Fuck me. This Homeland episode has got me tripping.

@SW-User Homeland Season 3, episode 3. Watch it yourself.

@JustGoneNow Nah I means like your personal experience

@SW-User I’d rather not, you know what I mean.

@JustGoneNow But I love shit like that, I'd like to hear it

@SW-User I don’t like actively talking about it, though. Here’s something I posted before.

https://similarworlds.com/thoughts/personal-feelings/4211240-I-got-convinced-by-a-friend-to-share-a-part-of-myI’m

@JustGoneNow Oh yeah, I just read it.

Fascinating. I shouldn't be so into stories like that but I like reading things like that.

I hope you're okay, though.

@SW-User I’m a schizophrenic. I’m just in stages of not completely off the rails. It is what it is. My dealing scale is not like other people’s.

@JustGoneNow Ah, okay then. I'd like to hear more, but if you don't like talking about it I can fully understand that

But like you can inbox me if you ever want though

@SW-User past thread about my illness.

https://similarworlds.com/thoughts/personal-feelings/4341117-Whats-schizophrenia-and-mental-illness-like-for

@JustGoneNow That's heavy, but I liked reading it. I don't know why but I'm drawn to people who have been through crazy shit in their life

@SW-User This was my goodbye letter to my boyfriend Jacob that I tried to kill in our bed the night before I was institutionalized. It was over 16 years ago… I think 12 years past at the time (wrote it awhile back.) We have no contact and it’s doubtful he’s on the site but this was just closure for me at the time. 🦋

https://similarworlds.com/thoughts/personal-feelings/1845000-A-letter-to-my-J-My-sweetest-love-I-never-truly

@JustGoneNow Do you have much memory of the incident

@SW-User parts. it’s like a weird dream, though… where I don’t know what had actually happened and what I just imagined happened. I remember him holding my arms down until the police came. Parts, but even that feels out of sequence. It’s hard to explain.

@JustGoneNow Did they press charges or anything

@SW-User nope. all charges were dropped upon being 5150’d.

@SW-User I’ve been pretty open about a lot of my issues. Sometimes it’s healing for me, and sometimes it helps others.

https://similarworlds.com/thoughts/personal-feelings/4240986-trigger-warning-We-all-have-insecurities-We-all

@JustGoneNow They must be some pretty mean scars. Were you trying to disfigure yourself.

@SW-User A couple times I was actually trying to die. But most of the times, I’m just trying to feel… anything. Cutting is a coping thing that brings me present when my mind is in overload. It’s like the pain cuts through the muddle in my head and makes me feel. Better pain than just more numb. It’s complicated.

@JustGoneNow I've heard that kind of thing a lot, but yeah I never understood it. I've never been in that place. Do you get a rush or a buzz when you see the raw wound and the blood?

@SW-User not a buzz. its hard for me to explain this from like a drinking or recreational drug perspective because I don’t do either of those things. I don’t do recreational drugs at all and I’ve only been drunk once when I was 17, so like 30 years ago. I don’t remember much of that night except that it pretty much fucked up my whole Junior year. But back to this, I had a friend in the ward that drank and did drugs and also was a cutter like me and the way he explained it was like this… he said sometimes he had gotten way faded on alcohol or weed or whatever… and would just be barely present in his mind and then something scary as fuck would happen like a fight, an accident, almost being pulled over and the adrenaline would kick in.. and you’d still be way hammered (like your body is numb and feeling no pain,) but your mind is on. Your mind is clear and present. He said that’s basically what cutting does for a mentally ill people. Cuts through our mind fog and brings us present. I of course can’t corroborate if it’s like what he said with booze but what he’s saying on our side is true, so maybe that makes sense for you. 🤷‍♀️

@JustGoneNow Does it do that, though. Bring you present. Is it not some kind of self torture or a distorted plea for attention.

@SW-User Naw. Be easier if it was, I think. Most of my cuts (except the couple times I was trying to end my life,) are pretty small. The only reason it looks like shit now is that I’ve been doing it to cope for years. They are layered and it looks bad… even though no single time ever really was. I don’t think I can really explain to you what it’s like to be in my brain, so I’m also not sure I can explain how this helps. I will say that there’s lots of places that I’ve been that I had no control over my life (like the ward,) except for what passed my lips (starving myself) and what sharp things pressed against my skin (self harm.) So part of it is that it cuts through the brain fog and brings me present, part of it is a control issue because that’s all I had. And for someone who is seriously OCD, I needed fucking something. But where I started the cutting and my anorexia really picked up was in the psych ward and I assure you it was not to get any attention. I hid everything bad I did there. The attention they gave… is not the kind anybody would want.

@SW-User Actually, I take that back. I don’t know it would be easier. I’m not going to minimize someone else’s pain. It’s a shitty thing to do. I don’t know what someone trying to cry for help is going through and what compulsion brings them there. It might be hell. It’s not what I do, but I won’t compare pain to mine that I don’t even understand.