Fuck me. This Homeland episode has got me tripping.

@JustGoneNow Does it do that, though. Bring you present. Is it not some kind of self torture or a distorted plea for attention.

@SW-User Naw. Be easier if it was, I think. Most of my cuts (except the couple times I was trying to end my life,) are pretty small. The only reason it looks like shit now is that I’ve been doing it to cope for years. They are layered and it looks bad… even though no single time ever really was. I don’t think I can really explain to you what it’s like to be in my brain, so I’m also not sure I can explain how this helps. I will say that there’s lots of places that I’ve been that I had no control over my life (like the ward,) except for what passed my lips (starving myself) and what sharp things pressed against my skin (self harm.) So part of it is that it cuts through the brain fog and brings me present, part of it is a control issue because that’s all I had. And for someone who is seriously OCD, I needed fucking something. But where I started the cutting and my anorexia really picked up was in the psych ward and I assure you it was not to get any attention. I hid everything bad I did there. The attention they gave… is not the kind anybody would want.

@SW-User Actually, I take that back. I don’t know it would be easier. I’m not going to minimize someone else’s pain. It’s a shitty thing to do. I don’t know what someone trying to cry for help is going through and what compulsion brings them there. It might be hell. It’s not what I do, but I won’t compare pain to mine that I don’t even understand.

@sarabee1995 the orderlies just held her down and hit her with a chlorpromazine shot. Fuck, I remember that shit. I remember how you couldn’t walk right after you were on that shit, and how you talked like your mouth was filled with Carmel. I don’t know. I’m kinda triggered tbh.

@sarabee1995 the screaming at night. the orderlies yelling at you to keep your room door open. all brings back memories.

@SW-User I did. I just already watched too much. When they held her down and hit her with a chlorpromazine shot, I knew exactly what that was like.

@JustGoneNow I never watched that show. Can't say I could relate to getting the shot either but I'm always here for you. Distraction is key. Your brain can only concentrate on so many things at once.

@Carla it’s just hard. it was pretty well done, cause it definitely got me.

@Iwillwait 🦋