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I wanna apologize for my earlier post.. I feel broken at times but I don't mean to sound negative

Y'know back when I was suicidal I was hanging out with one of my closest friends. Homies a real thug, rarely shows emotions. Keeps it stoic.

We were in the middle of talking, a regular ol' conversation. Nothing too heavy. Then he looked at me with this defeated look on his face & told me "dude please don't end it. I need you here. You're my spirit right now man. I NEED you"

That was one of the most powerful things anyone's told me. Idk why.

Then there was another time I was playing this song by myself. I was singing my heart out to the lyrics because it was a meaningful song to me & it hurt me a lot. Out of nowhere my sister walked in & she saw me singing. She came over & hugged me then said "Dude I love you... I don't know what I would do without you".

I hugged her back & started bawling 馃槶 I didn't even say anything. That's the only time in my life I've ever hugged someone & just cried. It helped a lot more than I would've thought.

Now on to my brother.. out of all my siblings him & I are the closest in age & we shared a room growing up. We are completely different.. he's always been in the books while I was in the streets. But we think the same & have the same sense of humor.

One day he texted me saying "Hey I know we don't talk about this stuff but I just wanted to tell you how much you mean to me. I can't imagine my life without you & now that my daughter's ready to be born I'm so excited that you get to be part of her life. I thought I was lucky to have you but I feel even luckier now that she gets to have you too"

Each of those moments were last year. I was in a very dark place & I'm mostly past it now but I still feel broken at times. It's those 3 moments that kept me holding on the most. My relationships when it comes to family & friends might mean more to me than I mean to myself sometimes.

Anyway, maybe I'm just writing this to counteract the sadness of my last post. I'm mostly here to talk & joke around but I'm here to be honest as well. That includes the hurtful stuff too. Thank you to anyone who even cares 馃し I'm okay.
Mamapolo201670-79, F
I'm glad you're okay.

I love that you avoid the weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth and keep on that upward path.

All of us have our moments.

Those dark hours when you think the drastic solution makes sense, remember that people you value, value YOU.

You are therefore not worthless and taking that goodness from those you love is the worst kind of theft.

I like you!
ChiefRunsWith40oz22-25
@Mamapolo2016 馃ズ aw.. thanks 馃檹 I don't know how I tend to overlook even the simplest traits like those.
I guess one thing I can say I love about me is that I have a lot of love in me. I guess I need to give more of it to myself though
Mamapolo201670-79, F
@ChiefRunsWith40oz This all should be a lesson to each of us.

Don't just feel the love - send it out in words, too!
ChiefRunsWith40oz22-25
@Mamapolo2016 excellent advice. A few months ago I told a good friend of mine that I love her & she said she loves me too.. then we made fun of each other for sounding corny 馃槀

but it actually felt nice telling a friend that I love them & hearing it said back 馃檭 I've never really done that before
sylvester46-50, M
Dude, your writing is impeccable. You're obviously a very intelligent individual. The world needs people like you. Be you. Don't ever give up.
ChiefRunsWith40oz22-25
@sylvester Thanks man that means a lot 馃檹 I actually love writing , that's part of what attracted me to EP. I wanted to be able to write about my experiences in a place where it's appreciated.
LilymoonF
You're lucky you have these wonderful people in your life. 馃
ChiefRunsWith40oz22-25
@Lilymoon thank you I consider myself lucky as well 馃 I wouldn't be here without them
I鈥檓 so glad that he reached out and sorry that you were having a difficult time. I didn鈥檛 see the previous post but I sense that you鈥檙e dearly loved because [b]you鈥檙e[/b] there for your friends and family without judgment, when they鈥檙e down. That鈥檚 invaluable. (((hugs)))
ChiefRunsWith40oz22-25
@bijouxbroussard he was the first person that I admitted my car accident two years ago wasn't an accident. I let a year go by & never told anyone. When I told him, I was calm as can be. But as soon as I said it, I followed it with "you know what the worst part is? That I [i]still[/i] don't wanna be here anymore" then I just broke down right in front of him. I didn't have to feel stupid for the tears because he cried with me. That same night is when I realized it was all me. I was the biggest thing holding me back. That was the night I chose to live.

But I've never thought about that, thank you. I don't think I'm even capable of judging the people I love 馃し
@ChiefRunsWith40oz I鈥檓 really glad that you chose to live and that he was there for you. 馃
SW-User
It means so much to know people see and appreciate and love you. :) you must be a good person.
ChiefRunsWith40oz22-25
@SW-User it means the world to me. I wouldn't be here without that love. But thank you, I try to be 馃
SW-User
@ChiefRunsWith40oz I'm glad you are. De nada.
Thanks for sharing this.
Hold onto these moments and what they resonate in you馃挋
ChiefRunsWith40oz22-25
@HijabaDabbaDoo I will 馃枻 the people around me are what keeps me pushing
MySpiritEvolves36-40
Life isn't easy, esp these days.
ChiefRunsWith40oz22-25
@MySpiritEvolves & that's a fact but we keeps it movin' 馃憣
LostNForgotten31-35, M
I'm glad you are ok too
ChiefRunsWith40oz22-25
@LostNForgotten thank you bud 馃檹
iamonfire69636-40, F
Don鈥檛 apologize, especially if writing helps you work your feelings out.

I am really glad that your perspective has changed after thinking about those things 馃挅.
iamonfire69636-40, F
@ChiefRunsWith40oz Of course. I hope you continue you feel better 馃挅
ChiefRunsWith40oz22-25
@iamonfire696 & I hope you have a good night 馃槍 but I might still run into you again throughout the night so that's not me saying goodnight yet lol
iamonfire69636-40, F
@ChiefRunsWith40oz awww thank you 馃挅

 
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