I don't know what happened. [I Have Passion, But No Motivation]
There are times when I am extremely driven, and times when I'm just drained so badly that I just can't think. Yesterday and today have been very nonproductive days for any of my passions. Saturdays are days I spend with my mother, and we find activities to pass the time, or we run errands. So yesterday, we just went to the pet store with my dog, and then took him home and went to a record store. Yes, those still exist, and we like retro things. Anyway, yesterday, my dog had been sneezing a lot, and I figured I would give it a day and if it didn't clear up I would get him some Benadryl...well, I woke up, and his face was extremely swollen, and we had to take him to the vet. He has horrible food and environmental allergies, and he recently had an operation to remove his last remaining eye back in May. He is also 13 years old and I am worried about him in his old age. He is laying beside me right now, coming down off the medication they did during testing. Today has been a terrible day, and I couldn't think. I tried to do some productive writing for the next book in my series, but the motivation has left me today. I think my job has also made me too tired since I'm full time, and all I do is cook when I'm not working during the week days.
I also had a plan to workout and lose this extra weight I've gained over the past decade. It's just getting worse, especially since I have a sit down job now. I mean, I don't look obese or anything, but I don't feel at all comfortable in my new skin. My ideal weight for my height is 125, and I weigh a little over 30 pounds more than that. I used to rollerblade every day in my teens up until I was 20, and then I fell on the curb of a sidewalk and injured my knee. If it weren't for that, I probably would have still had a good figure. I also had active jobs from age 15 up until 2 years ago in 2019. And Covid blocked me from going to the gym, so it's not like I could really do much about that...I mostly have hand weights and a thigh toner. The elliptical we have is great, but the calorie counter is broken. It won't give me the correct amount I've burned, and goes back and forth from high to low numbers. It is not helpful, so I have gotten frustrated with it. I tried a couple months ago to rollerblade, and doing that after almost 20 years of not...well, that didn't work out very well. My boyfriend had to come get me in his car. I was so out of breath, and everything hurt. I am more out of shape than I originally thought, and I used to be known for being somewhat of a machine. Not sure what I should do about this new development.
If it weren't for having no confidence, maybe I wouldn't be in the boat I'm in. This thought came up because I am thinking back to where everything went wrong in my life. Why did I go to college if I wasn't going to be able to use the degree (and now student loans have piled up)? Why did I go to college if they were just going to tell me I was majoring in "Music Concentration" and the only thing I could do with it was teach? Teaching is not my passion. I like creating music and stories to entertain people. I am an entertainer, not someone's puppet who gets paid to teach people to be entertainers when I've never actually been given the chance to do it professionally. It's like saying, "You're not good enough, but you have the knowledge of the subject to teach the ones who someday will be good enough, maybe even better than you...as a matter of fact, most of them will surpass you because you just don't have what it takes." That is how I feel. I am just not good enough. But...it's true. And it's not really my fault, because I was never really nurtured to my full potential. No one put the energy into lifting me up at a young age. I found those people when it was too late. And, I'm not saying that I'm giving up, but I AM saying that I won't make it to the top. I have accepted that I'm too old for that, and that arthritis has taken me over to the point that if I push myself it could cause long-term damage.
People ask me why I never auditioned. I have time and again explained that I was told by my teacher who was on the board, 2 semesters before I graduated, that I was not standard, and that she would not sign for me to become a performance major. People don't understand why she said that. I do. I understand, and I agree that I would be embarrassing myself on stage if I even tried to go up against the other music majors for the performance degree. I am mediocre at best, and I used to accidentally drop my Cello bow in the middle of practice due to arthritis. Now, I have anxiety issues and tremors. No matter how much I love the Cello, I will never be a professional. I can entertain for fun, and practice with other people, but putting me on a stage at almost 40 years old with these issues...well, not saying I wouldn't enjoy being on stage again...but I know what I'm capable of, and what I'm not. Preferably, I enjoy playing in groups if I'm on stage in front of a crowd. Anyway, before I get too off subject, I must circle back to why I brought up the music and college subjects. Maybe I'm just unmotivated because I haven't been able to do anything with it; and depressed because I don't know what else to do with my life now that my original plan was demolished late in life because it took me so long to get through college. I had no other plan. Now I work from home, doing a job I never thought I would do. It's not a bad job, as a matter of fact, I like it...however, it's not my passion. I am not sure I can get life fulfillment from it for very long, but I like the job better than the other jobs I've had. At least with this job, I'm actually making a difference in peoples lives. Though, it only pays $11 per hour, but it's a lot better than what I used to get. I can't complain too much, however, I don't have much time for my passions, and feel as though I did it all for nothing.
Have you ever felt this way? Like, all your efforts were for nothing, and you will never get back the years, or find your way back to your true self? It feels like I never will, and that it's all lost along with my soul. I feel empty, yet I keep going with hopes of finding a small piece of myself to hold on to and build on. I want so badly to be happy again...to feel as though this life is still worth living. I need my friends to tell me that I'm not worthless, and that I've still got what it takes. I need my friends to tell me everything is going to be okay, and that I will finish many more pieces of music and writing, and become successful. I'm not asking for fame, no. I'm just hoping for financial security, and a thank you for the entertainment I have provided. Encouragement here and there is a huge boost in one's confidence...but I rarely ever get that...and it makes me feel like I'm just not cut out for any of this. So when confidence falls, so does motivation. That really brings a person down. That is what's happened to me.
I also had a plan to workout and lose this extra weight I've gained over the past decade. It's just getting worse, especially since I have a sit down job now. I mean, I don't look obese or anything, but I don't feel at all comfortable in my new skin. My ideal weight for my height is 125, and I weigh a little over 30 pounds more than that. I used to rollerblade every day in my teens up until I was 20, and then I fell on the curb of a sidewalk and injured my knee. If it weren't for that, I probably would have still had a good figure. I also had active jobs from age 15 up until 2 years ago in 2019. And Covid blocked me from going to the gym, so it's not like I could really do much about that...I mostly have hand weights and a thigh toner. The elliptical we have is great, but the calorie counter is broken. It won't give me the correct amount I've burned, and goes back and forth from high to low numbers. It is not helpful, so I have gotten frustrated with it. I tried a couple months ago to rollerblade, and doing that after almost 20 years of not...well, that didn't work out very well. My boyfriend had to come get me in his car. I was so out of breath, and everything hurt. I am more out of shape than I originally thought, and I used to be known for being somewhat of a machine. Not sure what I should do about this new development.
If it weren't for having no confidence, maybe I wouldn't be in the boat I'm in. This thought came up because I am thinking back to where everything went wrong in my life. Why did I go to college if I wasn't going to be able to use the degree (and now student loans have piled up)? Why did I go to college if they were just going to tell me I was majoring in "Music Concentration" and the only thing I could do with it was teach? Teaching is not my passion. I like creating music and stories to entertain people. I am an entertainer, not someone's puppet who gets paid to teach people to be entertainers when I've never actually been given the chance to do it professionally. It's like saying, "You're not good enough, but you have the knowledge of the subject to teach the ones who someday will be good enough, maybe even better than you...as a matter of fact, most of them will surpass you because you just don't have what it takes." That is how I feel. I am just not good enough. But...it's true. And it's not really my fault, because I was never really nurtured to my full potential. No one put the energy into lifting me up at a young age. I found those people when it was too late. And, I'm not saying that I'm giving up, but I AM saying that I won't make it to the top. I have accepted that I'm too old for that, and that arthritis has taken me over to the point that if I push myself it could cause long-term damage.
People ask me why I never auditioned. I have time and again explained that I was told by my teacher who was on the board, 2 semesters before I graduated, that I was not standard, and that she would not sign for me to become a performance major. People don't understand why she said that. I do. I understand, and I agree that I would be embarrassing myself on stage if I even tried to go up against the other music majors for the performance degree. I am mediocre at best, and I used to accidentally drop my Cello bow in the middle of practice due to arthritis. Now, I have anxiety issues and tremors. No matter how much I love the Cello, I will never be a professional. I can entertain for fun, and practice with other people, but putting me on a stage at almost 40 years old with these issues...well, not saying I wouldn't enjoy being on stage again...but I know what I'm capable of, and what I'm not. Preferably, I enjoy playing in groups if I'm on stage in front of a crowd. Anyway, before I get too off subject, I must circle back to why I brought up the music and college subjects. Maybe I'm just unmotivated because I haven't been able to do anything with it; and depressed because I don't know what else to do with my life now that my original plan was demolished late in life because it took me so long to get through college. I had no other plan. Now I work from home, doing a job I never thought I would do. It's not a bad job, as a matter of fact, I like it...however, it's not my passion. I am not sure I can get life fulfillment from it for very long, but I like the job better than the other jobs I've had. At least with this job, I'm actually making a difference in peoples lives. Though, it only pays $11 per hour, but it's a lot better than what I used to get. I can't complain too much, however, I don't have much time for my passions, and feel as though I did it all for nothing.
Have you ever felt this way? Like, all your efforts were for nothing, and you will never get back the years, or find your way back to your true self? It feels like I never will, and that it's all lost along with my soul. I feel empty, yet I keep going with hopes of finding a small piece of myself to hold on to and build on. I want so badly to be happy again...to feel as though this life is still worth living. I need my friends to tell me that I'm not worthless, and that I've still got what it takes. I need my friends to tell me everything is going to be okay, and that I will finish many more pieces of music and writing, and become successful. I'm not asking for fame, no. I'm just hoping for financial security, and a thank you for the entertainment I have provided. Encouragement here and there is a huge boost in one's confidence...but I rarely ever get that...and it makes me feel like I'm just not cut out for any of this. So when confidence falls, so does motivation. That really brings a person down. That is what's happened to me.
41-45, F
