I Am Still Working On My Self Esteem
No Apologies (written 7/6/16 12:26am)
This story is important to me.
I recently got out of an abusive relationship... and when I say 'recently', I mean about 7 months ago. It's crazy to think that a wound that was inflicted so long ago, can still seem so fresh. I could go on about the relationship, but to make a long story short, it damaged my self-esteem.
I became confused as to when my opinion was legitimate and when it was appropriate for me to have a voice. I began to feel guilty and apologetic in situations where I felt uncomfortable, as opposed to impassioned to stand up for myself.
I was the shadow of my former self.
The process in which I became lost was so insidious, that I can't even place a finger on when I completely vanished. Somewhere along the way, I just did. I had little to no confidence in myself, and I had lost all of my boundaries.
Well... not long after, about a month later, I met a new guy at a bar. His features were eerily similar to my past abuser. He was statuesque with fair pale skin, and dark hair and eyes. Naturally, being the poor soul that I was, I was attracted to him. He was an artist, a composer... played the piano beautifully, and loved to talk about philosophy. We weren't afraid to talk about the deep stuff. Like our dreams... our fears. Maybe it was a connection. Maybe it was the beer.
On our first date, I leaned across the table and told him that I was interested in him, but he was too crazy for me. That was me loosely trying to set a boundary, but at the same time, unconsciously asking him to break it.
Anyways, we hung out for a while. He wanted to make things more official, but I always told him I wasn't ready. I realized that I was falling right back into the things I used to do. "Playing mother" by motivating him to do the things that he always complained about not doing, paying for all of the dates, taking the let down lightly when he bailed on plans last minute... just because.
Anytime I'd try to end it, he'd always apologize, do just enough to give me hope for change, and then when he saw that I was back, he'd revert to his old ways. Because of my past experiences, I could see what was going on, and this time I was able to stop it a lot sooner.
I broke off the relationship... whatever it was. And explained my reasoning to him. He didn't accept it and said I was being judgemental, and all these other things that I haven't cared to remember. I deleted and blocked him from all social media, and deleted his phone number. Some people may call me harsh for doing so, but I don't care, and that's what I'm most proud of.
I'm proud of the fact that I can set my own boundaries now and not feel guilty about it. If I feel that I'm not being treated with respect, I'm allowed to eject that person from my life. Yes, and at my own discretion. I've noticed that when a man blocks a chick or sets a boundary, people are right behind him and all for it. But when a woman does it... she's out of control. Too dramatic.
To that, I say "It's my decision."
It's my right to choose who I want in my life, and who I don't. I'm not going to suffer for anyone else's comfort anymore (unless I want to), and that's my choice. Say what you want, but to me, this is empowerment. This is me, not compromising my values and the way that I expect to be treated (not like a princess, but like a human being). This is me, honoring me.
And I hope all of you out there working on your self-esteem are working to honor yourselves too. We are worth it!
This story is important to me.
I recently got out of an abusive relationship... and when I say 'recently', I mean about 7 months ago. It's crazy to think that a wound that was inflicted so long ago, can still seem so fresh. I could go on about the relationship, but to make a long story short, it damaged my self-esteem.
I became confused as to when my opinion was legitimate and when it was appropriate for me to have a voice. I began to feel guilty and apologetic in situations where I felt uncomfortable, as opposed to impassioned to stand up for myself.
I was the shadow of my former self.
The process in which I became lost was so insidious, that I can't even place a finger on when I completely vanished. Somewhere along the way, I just did. I had little to no confidence in myself, and I had lost all of my boundaries.
Well... not long after, about a month later, I met a new guy at a bar. His features were eerily similar to my past abuser. He was statuesque with fair pale skin, and dark hair and eyes. Naturally, being the poor soul that I was, I was attracted to him. He was an artist, a composer... played the piano beautifully, and loved to talk about philosophy. We weren't afraid to talk about the deep stuff. Like our dreams... our fears. Maybe it was a connection. Maybe it was the beer.
On our first date, I leaned across the table and told him that I was interested in him, but he was too crazy for me. That was me loosely trying to set a boundary, but at the same time, unconsciously asking him to break it.
Anyways, we hung out for a while. He wanted to make things more official, but I always told him I wasn't ready. I realized that I was falling right back into the things I used to do. "Playing mother" by motivating him to do the things that he always complained about not doing, paying for all of the dates, taking the let down lightly when he bailed on plans last minute... just because.
Anytime I'd try to end it, he'd always apologize, do just enough to give me hope for change, and then when he saw that I was back, he'd revert to his old ways. Because of my past experiences, I could see what was going on, and this time I was able to stop it a lot sooner.
I broke off the relationship... whatever it was. And explained my reasoning to him. He didn't accept it and said I was being judgemental, and all these other things that I haven't cared to remember. I deleted and blocked him from all social media, and deleted his phone number. Some people may call me harsh for doing so, but I don't care, and that's what I'm most proud of.
I'm proud of the fact that I can set my own boundaries now and not feel guilty about it. If I feel that I'm not being treated with respect, I'm allowed to eject that person from my life. Yes, and at my own discretion. I've noticed that when a man blocks a chick or sets a boundary, people are right behind him and all for it. But when a woman does it... she's out of control. Too dramatic.
To that, I say "It's my decision."
It's my right to choose who I want in my life, and who I don't. I'm not going to suffer for anyone else's comfort anymore (unless I want to), and that's my choice. Say what you want, but to me, this is empowerment. This is me, not compromising my values and the way that I expect to be treated (not like a princess, but like a human being). This is me, honoring me.
And I hope all of you out there working on your self-esteem are working to honor yourselves too. We are worth it!
31-35, F
