Wasn’t necessarily looking forward to my doctor’s appointment tomorrow, but was looking forward to taking measures to set myself up for better health

Getting my high blood pressure and out of whack hormones under control will be a vital key in determining how difficult my workdays will be. But when I greeted my support system at 5:30am this morning, he was still wide awake and apparently he couldn’t go to sleep last night because I was taking up too much of the bed. …It takes nothing to make me scoot over. But because of that he’ll wake up right before his 2pm shift today, which’ll have him staying up late again tonight and unable to get ample sleep in before my appointment tomorrow and then his shift afterwards. So I went ahead and cancelled it even after I was informed there wasn’t another appointment available until April. I’m at the unfortunate point where I can’t walk into a doctor’s office alone due to my anxiety, even if it’s for things other than the main stressor in my life. I don’t like feeling so powerless to making any headway, especially after I finally muster the strength to even make the phone calls that I need to make for the betterment of my health.

So, there’s defeat today and an increasing sense that I can’t fully depend on others no matter how much my broken self feels it needs to in order to survive the days before me. But there’s also sunshine and warm weather, along with a pull away from everyone I know and every responsibility I have weighing on me daily so I can connect with nature to find my balance again…because I need a win. Gawd, do I need a win. And if that win comes from simply driving somewhere where the air seems clearer with an insanely high caloried blended Mocha Frappe sitting in my cup holder then I welcome it fully.

As far as the doctor appointment, I’ll try again another day. That seems to be the running theme for years now so I’m fairly used to it. …just wish it wasn’t so much of a “home” that I’ve been forced to be okay with.