Murder have you ever seriously considered it?

I genuinely consider myself a pacifist, I honestly don't think the death penalty justifiable for even the absolute very worst crimes yet pretty much of no circumstance of my current situation isn't really managing to find me good reasons against murdering my tormentor, this seems as though it's a very genuine option because if I could do it my life would improve immeasurably , obviously to anyone who knows me this is just a completely ludicrous thing because it's just not a me thing, apart from anything else I ain't got what it takes to take this prat down physically never mind mentally, nevertheless it's genuinely looking like if I could it would quite honestly be the best option as being locked up has every chance of being a better quality of life for me than my life is currently and I don't see any other way out from here. I maybe be barking mad but I suspect even in prison you may actually get a whole nights sleep more freakin frequently than around once every three months which is my current norm (I live in such poor quality housing on such a crazy estate that even with a white noise machine going and earplugs in I get woken on average 2-5 times a night every night, that is of course only if I'm very feckin lucky and manage to get back to sleep after the first time I'm awoken each night, and I can not find a way out except waiting this out for at least 4 years (universal credit makes moving not possible) possibly more and I know full well I really can't go on much longer, never mind 4 years. So if I ain't yet managed to bore youse to death have you ever wanted to kill someone and if so why?

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greenmountaingal · 70-79, F

I'm not bored. I empathize with your difficult situation. I am sorry you are going through this misery. I urge you to hang on to your civilized self and don't kill him. You would live to regret it. Find another way to handle it even if you have to move. Murder is not something you want to have to live with.

Yes, I have seriously considered killing someone. If you have read my Featured story under my Profile here, you already know who that person is....or was. I grew up believing that my mother might kill me. After living not knowing if I would be able to wake up the next morning, with severe insomnia, I had to consider if it would be right to kill my mother before she killed me. I came to the conclusion that I wouldn't be able to live with it. And I would almost certainly wind up in prison for the rest of my life which would ruin my life. I had to give up on any murder plans. Later on in my life, in my middle years, some things happened that made me rethink the murder idea. I was truly trapped in my life at that point. I knew my mother had probably killed people, if not with her own hands, then by picking up her phone and using her various mob connections or CP connections. I knew what she could do to people. Even when she didn't kill people, she could do things that made them wish she had. I wondered if it might be my actual duty to kill her if only to spare other people from her sadism and misuse of power. Also, as long as she was alive, she could--and would--do anything she wanted to humiliate and hurt me. I came to that conclusion after she did two things that made me feel that taking her life would be morally justifiable. The first was when she aggressively and painfully sexually molested me in her apartment one evening. Don't want to give too many of the ugly details here, but I had marks on my body from her hands and she thoroughly enjoyed watching me scream in pain and anger at her. I threatened to call the police pointing out to her that what she had just done was a felony; she just laughed. I never picked up the phone and made that call; knowing my mother's connections inside the criminal justice system, I knew that if I reported her, when the dust settled, it was likely that [u][i]I[/i][/u] was the one who would be arrested, not her. The second incident that shocked me into a realization of my helplessness was too awful to tell here; basically, she killed our friend's cat, and I love cats, and I really loved this one. I still can't bear to tell this awful story. Our friend never fully recovered from the incident herself; it broke her mental and physical health. My mother enjoyed referring to the details of this story in conversations and then watching me with a sneaky smile on her face to see how I took it. She had done it to punish me for not cancelling a social event to spend the day with her and she liked to remind me of how cruel and sadistic she could be. She knew I realistically feared she would kill my cat next; once she even made a direct threat about it and I took a photo of my cat and a photo of my mother and gave these photos to my neighbors telling them the basic story so that my pet would have my neighbors aware of the danger. I went to work every day worrying that my cat wouldn't be there when I got home. The stress was very real and wore me down.

One lesson I learned over the years was that my mother was fully capable of [i] anything[/i]; murder, as well as killing a pet, were well within her range. And I was sure she would get away with it considering what she had already gotten away with in my life and the lives of others. Either I had to work on total obedience to her wishes or I had to kill her.

I agonized over it, looking for a solution, but finally decided to leave murder or other violent crimes out of the equation. It was not an easy decision. She died of old age in her 90s about 15 years ago and yet I still wonder if it would have been better if I had killed her. I am pleased that I had the character to resist killing a human being. I believe it would have been a bad mistake. But the fact that it came up for serious consideration in my mind is still a sad and scary thought for me.