Does anyone know how to stop being shameful?? 😶

Stranger · 46-50, M Best Comment

Someone told me a way, and it didn't make a lot of sense then, but somehow it works and if you think about it really hard it's got a weird logic and wisdom to it.

Shame is feeling bad about something you ARE and can't change. You're stuck with it because you are what you are and can't change the fact.

The secret of getting rid of shame is convincing yourself that you feel bad not about what you ARE but about something you DID.

Feeling bad about something you DID or happened is GUILT, and by definition transient, not tied directly to you. You can perform an act of redemption or atonement to get rid of GUILT.

So if you want to get rid of SHAME, turn that shame into GUILT. Since guilt comes from action, an action can cleanse it so you redeem yourself doing something that will counter the effect of whatever it is you're feeling guilty about.

The trick is realising that most of the time we are way too hard on ourselves. There is probably no judge more severe of what we are and what we do than ourselves.

As an example of how this works, say you Lied to your partner in a horrible way. Now you are judging yourself and assuming you ARE A LIAR and can't change the fact.

But if you turn thar shame into guilt realising your partner may not be so hard on you, might even understand, you could atone for that guilt by admitting you DID LIE, telling the truth and assuming the consequences.

Since every line is uttered for the liars gain, you will by default lose more than you gained by lying: whatever it was you were concealing behind the lie will be revealed, and that revelation will carry it's consequences that you will bear as atonement. Plus you will probably lose credibility and others' trust in your word.

That expensive price is paying for your conscience being freed of the guilt of having lied horribly to someone who trusted you.

The alternative is living under the weight of your own judgement of BEING an irredeemable liar. (not that you DID lie)

the difference is that BEING is intrinsic and inseparable from your self. HAVING DOBE is external to you, does not define you and you can discard it somehow.

I've tiptoed around the fact that this is ripe for religion to come to the rescue and indeed it helps as a support mechanism where can find spiritual incentive to atone for guilt, but the basic psychology still holds without religion or by using alternative support systems instead, like 12step programs, support groups or even therapy.

However, religion (take your pick) has more than 2000 years experience in harvestig shame, making it into guilt and then encouraging you to atone for it. So by far it's probably the less risky alternative

Hope it makes sense to you.