I Hate Myself For Being a Dissapointment

What is the point of living?

- What is the point of living, if you cannot be the shield? If your life, if your soul cannot be the wall to keep away all the evils of the world at bay and at distance from the ones you love?

A few months ago, someone on this site wrote that, should people stop coming to you with their problems, it is only because they have come to believe that you either do not care, or are incapable to help them. In both cases, you have failed as a person and a friend.

And I have failed.

The desire to leave Experience Project behind forever and the urge to stay for the ones I love is in fragile balance. Either choice feels like betrayal.

I am a fool. A pathetic excuse for a living being. I once said that I live to tell stories. And that when I die, my life would be a story worth telling. Worth listening. And right now, this is not the case.

I am not human. Humans bond to each other. You feel the pain of others as if it were your own. You take on that pain and carry it, and in doing so, you save the lives of those people. You grow closer. You understand each other, and this understanding strengthens your bond and it keeps strengthening it to the point where it becomes unbreakable.
But I am not like you. I cannot bond. Like an alien, I stare at you from the outside. I long to reach to you, I stretch my hands toward you, but all I touch is the cold glass of the window. And no matter how hard I hit it, how much I scream, it will never break. And you will never hear my voice.

I am not human. I have no place among you. I see you in the distance, and I feel your pain. But I can never reach you, never make that bond. And all that my hands will ever feel is the cold.

I am not human.

I have no place among you.

My place is out in the cold.

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ArnoldJRimmer

i recall that comment..but its flawed. also people dont share problems because they also feel for others. there is the desire not to burden or cause sorrow. you hammer against that wall i feel in my last experience. no matter how many symbols we use, our true selves remain appart. its a tragedy of human nature that those who feel its loss the deepest are those who could do wonders without that barrier. i read your words and want you to know that they do make a difference to people. it is our fate that we cannot share feelings so with your distance and with lack of meaninful symbols in return you hear nothing but your own screaming echoes. the warm thank you from those you reach is often dissapated by the void that keeps all appart.

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ArnoldJRimmer

its funny....i tell others the same. i can even beg that they share their pain and profess my willingness to listen but i withold for the same reasons they do. i would rather bring smiles than tears to those i care about. its poor thinking on my part as it denies the other persons strengths. i try to be open but i shall work harder at achieving that sharing in the hope it will be returned in kind :)
you do a good job of making me think. thank you.

themanoflegends · 31-35, M

Don't thank me just yet. I have yet to do anything worthy of thanks.
But I know how you feel. Even when I write things like this, I'm always taking in consideration how it may affect other people, and do my best to not include things that could trigger depression/suicidal thoughts.
I have a way of going around it though. There is a place here on the EP where you can post stories without anyone knowing that they are there. And when even that is not enough, you can limit who can see those stories. For some, I can let them only be seen by those I consider friends. Others are for my eyes only, and can be read by none. I think it helps, even if it is only by a little.

ArnoldJRimmer

i will thank anyone who jars my line of thought into different directions. i dont worry about being triggered into depression. there are few who could achieve that as i believe i am responsible for my own dark thoughts. i suppose i should write less of my darker stories as they help no one though.

hellokitty206

if this bothers you than maybe you are. and you do really feel for people and maybe it is something you have to work on.

themanoflegends · 31-35, M

Work on what exactly? The reason this is a problem for me is that I don't even know where to start.

hellokitty206

caring more since it bothers you. some times I need to work on that too.

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