My life is a mess
I have literally no motivation to progress in life besides taking care of my younger siblings... but what happens when they grow up, and are able to take care of themselves? Idk, I'll probably go crawl into a hole to rot and die, away from everyone to hit burden them with my issues. I love my siblings so much, but sometimes it really hurts knowing they rarely care about me.
The only time I ever get motivation to progress in life is when I have a partner. They motivate me to keep progressing so one day we can be together. One probably with that. I'm too clingy and yet too distant too. I claim to have trust issues but the second I get together with someone, I immediately start truama dumping on them, and it pushes them away, and when i don't truama dump, I just close off from them, get quiet and go nonverbal. Idk why I'm like this. I hate that I'm like this.
Even my friends barely prioritize me. I can go days, often weeks without them reaching out to me to see how I am, but I don't blame them. I do this to myself. I pushed away countless people who cared for me, who were my friends, and I keep doing it, I keep ruining things, i ruin everything.
I ruin all my friendships. I ruin all my relationships. I can barely go a day without snapping at my siblings. I hate that I'm like this. I hate myself. I wish I could just fade away into nothingness, to just stop existing, to die a painless death in my sleep and just disintegrate so no one is burdened with having to deal with my remains afterwards.. but no, that's too easy, so I'm stuck here in this lonely, miserable life that leads to nothing significant. I'm insignificant.
People barely look twice at me, people barely even know me. "(My name)? You mean (my father's name) boy??" That's all people know me as, my father's quiet, reserved, shy son who can barely talk to people. People barely acknowledge me, both online and in real life, to the point that infact, I know this post will probably flop spectacularly. I just exist, not to be anyone's cherished sibling, good friend, dear lover or anything meaningful, but to just be there, to be in the background, to just exist, and my achievements in life are a testament to that (and before you say "oh, but you're still so young" you wouldn't understand. You didn't spend important years where you would've developed vital social skills, in your bedroom, away from everyone and everything, letting your mind rot)
I could've finished high-school this year and be going to college in a few days.. but no. I let myself fail, I let my potential rot away like how I so desperately want to, I went from top of my class for the entirety of middle-school, to being (almost) an adult in 9th grade, when I could've been in college right now. I'm a disappointment, I'm a failure. I'm wasted potential. I'm a failed star. I couldn't do school, I lack the confidence to persue my passions, I lack the skills to maintain meaningful friendships, relationships and family bonds, i wish this is all just a bad dream, that soon I'll wake up from. I wish I had friends who cared about me as much as I care about them. I wish I had a lover who would understand me fully. I wish I had a father who I wasn't scared of. I wish I had family who cherished me, and didn't neglect, abuse and ignore me my whole life...
But it's wtvvv, I'm probably just being dramatic :>
The only time I ever get motivation to progress in life is when I have a partner. They motivate me to keep progressing so one day we can be together. One probably with that. I'm too clingy and yet too distant too. I claim to have trust issues but the second I get together with someone, I immediately start truama dumping on them, and it pushes them away, and when i don't truama dump, I just close off from them, get quiet and go nonverbal. Idk why I'm like this. I hate that I'm like this.
Even my friends barely prioritize me. I can go days, often weeks without them reaching out to me to see how I am, but I don't blame them. I do this to myself. I pushed away countless people who cared for me, who were my friends, and I keep doing it, I keep ruining things, i ruin everything.
I ruin all my friendships. I ruin all my relationships. I can barely go a day without snapping at my siblings. I hate that I'm like this. I hate myself. I wish I could just fade away into nothingness, to just stop existing, to die a painless death in my sleep and just disintegrate so no one is burdened with having to deal with my remains afterwards.. but no, that's too easy, so I'm stuck here in this lonely, miserable life that leads to nothing significant. I'm insignificant.
People barely look twice at me, people barely even know me. "(My name)? You mean (my father's name) boy??" That's all people know me as, my father's quiet, reserved, shy son who can barely talk to people. People barely acknowledge me, both online and in real life, to the point that infact, I know this post will probably flop spectacularly. I just exist, not to be anyone's cherished sibling, good friend, dear lover or anything meaningful, but to just be there, to be in the background, to just exist, and my achievements in life are a testament to that (and before you say "oh, but you're still so young" you wouldn't understand. You didn't spend important years where you would've developed vital social skills, in your bedroom, away from everyone and everything, letting your mind rot)
I could've finished high-school this year and be going to college in a few days.. but no. I let myself fail, I let my potential rot away like how I so desperately want to, I went from top of my class for the entirety of middle-school, to being (almost) an adult in 9th grade, when I could've been in college right now. I'm a disappointment, I'm a failure. I'm wasted potential. I'm a failed star. I couldn't do school, I lack the confidence to persue my passions, I lack the skills to maintain meaningful friendships, relationships and family bonds, i wish this is all just a bad dream, that soon I'll wake up from. I wish I had friends who cared about me as much as I care about them. I wish I had a lover who would understand me fully. I wish I had a father who I wasn't scared of. I wish I had family who cherished me, and didn't neglect, abuse and ignore me my whole life...
But it's wtvvv, I'm probably just being dramatic :>
