I Hate Myself Sometimes

I always mess up everything. I think too far ahead, I'm too hopeful.. but at the same time you say I'm too pessimistic.. it's either I'm too pessimistic or I'm too optimistic. you want me happy yet you knock me when I try to think of a future with you in it. but when I think what if we so not make it you make it seem like I'm the only one with doubts. I do not know what to make of you when it comes to how you think. I'm on edge with everything I say. it's been this way with every relationship I have ever had, bottle up all your thoughts, just cut about it later but do not tell anyone you cut, find a new place to dig your knife into. I just do not know what to do or say or anything when it comes to love. I wish I could steralize that emotion and just not feel, like I did when I lost my fiance. just be a dud that has no emotions.. but people pull you out of it and it's harder to get in than out when your like me. your personality craves to indulge in happiness. and it takes millions of sad things to even knock it back a notch. I have so many reasons I hate myself for.