I Hate Myself Sometimes

And today is one of those days. I don't know why I feel this but I do. To be honest I just wanna cry and be left alone but whenever I cry I feel worse and like a weakling. I know that's extreme but it's just how I feel.
People tell me it would be good to see a therapist for these things but I feel doing that would be like admitting I'm crazy, yet I no this is the wrong mind set but that's just how I view it.
I think about my abuse everyday weather it's 5 seconds to 5 hours not a day goes by where I don't have a flashback but for the most part I can handle it. But today I'm breaking and the worse part is I look just fine so no one helps or even thinks to. I'm not crying, shouting or shattering all the glass kitchen wear but I write looking as if all is well.
My vocal cords cut cause I was told to not whine. My eyes dry cause I was told to suck it up. I'm alone cause me being around you when I'm like this brings down your mood. And now my life's a living h3ll cause I listened to the chants of the Devil.