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I Am Unhappily Married

It’s really difficult being married to an addict. I was so young and dumb when we met then got married. I believed he would grow out of it. I knew nothing about being with an addict to marijuana then when you’re out of MJ you have to have at least some alcohol. I’m tired of the excuses. I’m tired of the, “that was waste of time” (drinking and sleeping it off at a stretch of 1- sometimes 4 days). This is his excuse, I shouldn’t of don’t that, it was a waste of time. I only stick around because sometimes the good in him, fools me into believing maybe this won’t happen again.

I also stay because I don’t want our kids growing up fatherless. I also don’t want my kids to believe his behavior, explained above, is healthy adult behavior. It’s really tough. It’s a tough call.
OlderDude · 61-69, M
If it's for the kids your staying, consider this. That this is what your kids are learning about what a family should be like. This is how a father is and mother is to just put up with it.
If you have sons, they are learning how to treat their wife, and a daughter is learning how she should be treated by her future husband.
You can talk to your kids from now til the cows come home about what a family 'should 'be like, but what they see is what will stick.
OlderDude · 61-69, M
Pointless? Not really, but his reaction will be telling if he even understands why your asking such a question
What you need to do, is to talk to him, lay out the issues, what sort of picture hes painting for his children's future, also that hes loved, hes not an asshole, but his behaviours and choices, his priorities of drugs and alcohol over his family are not acceptable, and if he wants his family close then he has to stop pushing you all away
It's not you leaving him, it's his choices pushing you away.
That's an important distinction, as it takes away his argument that you are being the bad meanie.
And he has to choose, his addictions, or his family.
And tell him he better choose quickly as his addictions are pushing his family away rather fast.
And if he chooses family, then get a commitment as to how hes going to get clean, (hint, you cant do it with willpower)
You need a start timeline, and one that is in days, not in weeks,
You need a commitment and preferably in writing
And you need accountability from him.
Also I would suggest that you also attend counseling as you have been affected by this to a much greater degree than you realize.
Icedcoffee · 31-35, F
Thank you so much. I have a lot to think about and a lot to consider in how to move forward.

You mentioned,

“ Also I would suggest that you also attend counseling as you have been affected by this to a much greater degree than you realize”.

Can you elaborate on this. Thank you.

@OlderDude
OlderDude · 61-69, M
@Icedcoffee anyone living with an addict, is affected. Your self esteem, you have a tendency to enable the addict, and that's a learned behavior as you try to make the situation work without waking up the dragon, so to speak.
You dont know what a healthy relationship looks like right now as you have been so busy making room for someone who is unhealthy and sort of controlling the situation.
An addict's habit affects everyone involved.
No one here is a bad or rotten person, but you have to now put up healthy boundaries that will protect yours and your children. What behaviours are ok, which are not ok, and what will you do to keep those boundaries? Addicts will start to respond to someone who has conviction and puts up strong boundaries like that.
They will fight at first,and bring out every guilt slinging tool they have to make you feel like the bad guy, then when that does not work, they resort to poor me tactics to pull your heartstrings and when that doesn't work, they may threaten suicide, or some other desperate things
Dont budge, tell them they are loved, they are valued, but the addiction has to go for them to be trusted.
Icedcoffee · 31-35, F
I would give him an ultimatum if I knew I would stick to it. I asked him to leave today because he was being verbally abusive in front of our oldest daughter, and I asked him not to come back mostly because of the virus going around.

Of course he didn’t leave and fell asleep.

Now he’s just there in one room barely waking up at 7pm from sleeping the day off.

I know he’s depressed or whatever but at some point you have to want more for yourself. At some point you have to fight for what you want in life.

He talks a very good game when he’s not drinking or high. He talks a good game. But I’m starting to believe he’s just talking. I’m starting to believe maybe he doesn’t want to change bad enough. At some point I have to think about my kids and what their watching, their father’s behavior.

He says he wants the same things I want but we’ve been together long enough to see that I don’t really believe it anymore. I think he’s so stuck. I think he means well when he’s saying those things that he will change and blah, blah, blah but at the end of the day it’s the same story over and over again. If I stay in this before I know we’ll be in our 50s living the same scenarios still.
OlderDude · 61-69, M
@Icedcoffee I'll tell you this truth, and its heart wrenching.
No one will or can change for someone else. They can try, and sincerely try, but if they dont understand the 'why' they need to change, or the 'what' needs to change, then they cannot change.
It's only when they themselves, deep down come to understand, come to see that they are not the person they want to be, that they get what how they are acting, and get what has to be done to save what they have invested in,only then CAN they start to put the effort into changing
Otherwise, it's not going to happen. And it wont ever happen overnight.
It's a process.
Icedcoffee · 31-35, F
It is gut or heart wrenching, thank you @OlderDude
traceavery · 70-79, M
Give him an ultimatum ... get help or else!
updown2020 · 61-69, M
I am sorry I was harsh but as you said you have been living with this problem for years and have done nothing about it so it shows you live with it, I know it would be hard but doing nothing is wrong to because you are not really helping your husband because he knows the script you will get mad he will tell you what you want to hear and that will be good until the next blow up. And your kids see this.

Where does he get the money to buy the weed?
greymatter61 · 56-60, M
It not possible to change another person. If you are unhappy than you should leave.
It seems they don’t have much of a father anyway
This message was deleted by its author.
Icedcoffee · 31-35, F
Yes I work! @updown2020
Icedcoffee · 31-35, F
Yes I work!! How else can a family thrive. I earn enough to support a family of 5.
Why on earth did I keep having children, you ask? Since you care to ask I will politely share. Because I wanted to give my oldest siblings.

@updown2020
Icedcoffee · 31-35, F
What makes you think I don’t want to do anything about my situation. How did you deduce that from what I wrote?

If you have nothing kind or helpful to say please don’t respond@Icedcoffee

 
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