I Am Unhappily Married

It’s really difficult being married to an addict. I was so young and dumb when we met then got married. I believed he would grow out of it. I knew nothing about being with an addict to marijuana then when you’re out of MJ you have to have at least some alcohol. I’m tired of the excuses. I’m tired of the, “that was waste of time” (drinking and sleeping it off at a stretch of 1- sometimes 4 days). This is his excuse, I shouldn’t of don’t that, it was a waste of time. I only stick around because sometimes the good in him, fools me into believing maybe this won’t happen again.

I also stay because I don’t want our kids growing up fatherless. I also don’t want my kids to believe his behavior, explained above, is healthy adult behavior. It’s really tough. It’s a tough call.

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OlderDude · 61-69, M

If it's for the kids your staying, consider this. That this is what your kids are learning about what a family should be like. This is how a father is and mother is to just put up with it.
If you have sons, they are learning how to treat their wife, and a daughter is learning how she should be treated by her future husband.
You can talk to your kids from now til the cows come home about what a family 'should 'be like, but what they see is what will stick.

Icedcoffee · 36-40, F

You are so right. Thank you @OlderDude

Icedcoffee · 36-40, F

My thinking is that I want to give him the opportunity to be better but I think he prefers being this way, even if he won’t admit to it. I have to go by his actions. @OlderDude

OlderDude · 61-69, M

@Icedcoffee listen, why should he change? Your still there, the kids are still there, what on earth is giving him the desire to change?

Icedcoffee · 36-40, F

Wow. Never thought of it that way.

We have an 11 yr old, 2 yr old and an almost 1 year old. I just asked him, do you want our youngest two, to know you? Because they won’t know you, if this is our life. From your response I think that was pointless? @OlderDude

OlderDude · 61-69, M

Pointless? Not really, but his reaction will be telling if he even understands why your asking such a question
What you need to do, is to talk to him, lay out the issues, what sort of picture hes painting for his children's future, also that hes loved, hes not an asshole, but his behaviours and choices, his priorities of drugs and alcohol over his family are not acceptable, and if he wants his family close then he has to stop pushing you all away
It's not you leaving him, it's his choices pushing you away.
That's an important distinction, as it takes away his argument that you are being the bad meanie.
And he has to choose, his addictions, or his family.
And tell him he better choose quickly as his addictions are pushing his family away rather fast.
And if he chooses family, then get a commitment as to how hes going to get clean, (hint, you cant do it with willpower)
You need a start timeline, and one that is in days, not in weeks,
You need a commitment and preferably in writing
And you need accountability from him.
Also I would suggest that you also attend counseling as you have been affected by this to a much greater degree than you realize.

Icedcoffee · 36-40, F

Thank you so much. I have a lot to think about and a lot to consider in how to move forward.

You mentioned,

“ Also I would suggest that you also attend counseling as you have been affected by this to a much greater degree than you realize”.

Can you elaborate on this. Thank you.

@OlderDude

OlderDude · 61-69, M

@Icedcoffee anyone living with an addict, is affected. Your self esteem, you have a tendency to enable the addict, and that's a learned behavior as you try to make the situation work without waking up the dragon, so to speak.
You dont know what a healthy relationship looks like right now as you have been so busy making room for someone who is unhealthy and sort of controlling the situation.
An addict's habit affects everyone involved.
No one here is a bad or rotten person, but you have to now put up healthy boundaries that will protect yours and your children. What behaviours are ok, which are not ok, and what will you do to keep those boundaries? Addicts will start to respond to someone who has conviction and puts up strong boundaries like that.
They will fight at first,and bring out every guilt slinging tool they have to make you feel like the bad guy, then when that does not work, they resort to poor me tactics to pull your heartstrings and when that doesn't work, they may threaten suicide, or some other desperate things
Dont budge, tell them they are loved, they are valued, but the addiction has to go for them to be trusted.