Husband unemployed for 1.5 years.. he isn’t trying to find a job

Y’all.. I am totally freaking out. My husband of 5 years, we dated for 2, 7 years total.. I’m 32 he’s 40.. he was an attorney.. with a masters degree.. extremely smart.. kind, good looking, so funny and witty... when we got married everything was amazing..we both supported each other and have had a great relationship.. we had a beautiful baby girl 4 years into our marriage. I hit my career harder than ever, I thought he was until about 6 months after our baby he started calling in a lot and had all kinds of excuses why he couldn’t go to work, in his mind though “out of the blue” he got fired from his job of 9 years.. we had 70k in savings, he went through this huge depression and by 7 months in he told me the week before our mortgage was due he had spent it all and had $800 left.. I was devastated.. I thought he was saving and at that point I demanded to see his bills.. at all went to stupid stuff like paying his loans, going out to eat. He’s had a huge alcohol problem and I’ve paid for counseling which he called the guy a quack.. and blew off the rest of the sessions I paid for... things looked like they were turning around when he finally got a job...only to get fired 6 weeks into it because he wasn’t enough of a quarterback... now. Here we are... again.. I’m supporting us.. paying for everything..he’s now going to start Uber driving.. he also just broke the news to me he needs to file for bankruptcy...he’s also been on 6 interviews and has done terribly in all of them.. I think he’s now been blackballed from the industry.. he has no fight left in him.. the only thing he enjoys is being with our baby girl.. and I’m starting to feel really taken advantage of.. busting my tail to keep my business going. I work a lot...His dad also has done this to his mom, doesn’t work she’s 68 and pays for everything and work 60 hours a week.. I don’t want to be like this.. he’s still the love of my life but I’m at a breaking point.. he doesn’t seem to care about anything in the world of have any ambition to pick himself back up.. I’m finding my resent-fullness come out a lot.. I’m so unhappy and it’s gone on too long.. I can’t bare to leave him because I just feel like if he could show a glimpse of ambition it would change everything.. he’s perfect other than that.. and a few minor flaws.. but we all have those. What do I do? I’m so beside myself

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Mamapolo2016 · F Best Comment

Men did it for a long time - bore the financial burden while the wife ran the home. It’s a choice, if it’s one you can make.

If he has a huge alcohol problem, how comfortable are you with him being alone with the baby all day?

DearAmbellina2113 · 41-45, F

@Mamapolo2016 all of this was my thoughts exactly.

Brassm0nk3y · 36-40, F

Yeah that’s true..but I just I’ve never told him I was okay with that, and he’s had enough a break.. like he took more time off after our child than I did lol...he doesn’t usually start drinking till late at night.. but I always make sure to be there.. he needs help. Hope you’re doing well sweet friend !@Mamapolo2016

Mamapolo2016 · F

I’m fine, thank you.

It appears to be time you came to grips with the fact that he’s not going to change any time soon.

What happens when the irresistible force meets the immovable object? Absolutely nothing.

From the outside looking in, your choices appear to be three in number.

1) Continue as you are, begging him to DO something, to get his drinking under control, to become your go-get-em mate again. Is that working?

2) Kick him to the curb - but you share a child, so even if he moves out, you’ll still be closely connected.

3) Take some serious quiet time for yourself and decide if you're okay with having a house-husband. If you continue to resent it, it won’t work. Decide on the boundaries of the relationship - does he get access to the funds you earned, given that he’s proven he doesn’t handle money well? What, then, an allowance? Are you going to finance his drinking, or is he going to get help that HE finds and follows through on?

I know you want the old husband back - but he doesn’t appear to want to return.

@Brassm0nk3y

Brassm0nk3y · 36-40, F

Love this! How do I best it? Doesn’t appear to let me do it on a reply.. these are the options I think you’re right... thank you so much for outlining that . It’s true, I may have to part from the idea that he’ll come back and be who he was .. and decide if I’m okay with it .. I don’t know yet@Mamapolo2016

Mamapolo2016 · F

You can’t best stories. It’s okay - I hope like hell you can find some peace. 🤗🤗🤗@Brassm0nk3y

Brassm0nk3y · 36-40, F

Thank you so much you always make me feel better. I’ll best your original @Mamapolo2016

Mamapolo2016 · F

Thank you. I think you’ve got the right stuff. Best of luck.@Brassm0nk3y

quitwhendone · M

@Brassm0nk3y Give him an ultimatum. Tell him you are out if he doesn't have a gig in say six months. And he has to keep the job.

Or, tell him he has to apply for at least two or three jobs a week starting in two weeks until he is employed. Since you are making the money, hold back on funds to him unless he is making a good faith effort to get a job.