I Want a Lover Who Is Also My Best Friend Hi How do I post a story here

HoldInwardly · 41-45, M

Some stories are very short :-)

HoldInwardly · 41-45, M

Azuriela, yes, it is really important to build and rebuild confidence with new people who appear to merit our trust. To be well on the inside and to be valued by our community, we need to come out of our shells, carefully, in order to build ever stronger links that with time may become a close network of friends.

Changing a relationship with a partner is often more difficult than finding new friends because of the past we carry with us. At the beginning of the relationship we become love partners for reasons that after a few years often are no longer important or even relevant. Yet these natural changes in interest go paired with habits, physical closeness, children (and their attachments), as well as with common responsibilities. This often leads to frustration and to conflicts.

That is where it becomes important that love partners make a conscious mental effort to go beyond daily necessities. Although time and fatigue always presses on us, it becomes important to develop an interest in what our partners do, think about and pursue. What really concerns him or her? What worries are there? What ambitions are pursued?

In a love partnership, we often don't take the time to ask questions. We know superficially what the Other is concerned with, but we are not interested in the details. Yet the Other is primarily preoccupied with exactly those details -- they form the center of their life. So to continue meriting the love and allegiance of our partners, we would do well to develop a detailed concern with the details of their interests, struggles and ambitions.

All love relationships go through ups and downs. A decision to go "shopping elsewhere" may ultimately bring few benefits, other than subsidizing a whole industry of divorce lawyers. Often a greater interest in what the Other is really up to is a much better investment, in every which way.

It would be easy to leave this message on this positive note. But reality also imposes limits on what can be done to revive mutual interests. When the Other can no longer be met on kind, loving and equitable terms, or when the divergence of interests increasingly blocks one's own human development, one may have to come to that painful decision to split. But that is another chapter and we could talk about that some other time.

HoldInwardly · 41-45, M

Azuriela, you are talking about the essence of a relationship: understanding and being understood on the one hand and trust on the other.

One of your friends has broke your trust, another has broken communications, and you are together with a husband with whom you share a past, possibly deep emotions and a commitment, yet insufficient understanding.

Now you feel sadness over the loss of your friends and about the lack of understanding with the person with whom you live. Did I understand this correctly?

There is only one answer: rebuild, in greater understanding of what is possible. Strengthen the bonds with people all around you, find new friends slowly and (re)build confidence in your close partnership. This means, take time to listen precisely to their needs, empathize, and permit yourself to grow important in their lives as they are becoming more important in your life. And never betray the new trust yourself. Build a strong and dependable network.

As time goes by, true friends that last and true understanding with our partners becomes the most important part of our entire lives. Those are the elements that make us feel good throughout the entire day.

HoldInwardly · 41-45, M

How about talking about exchanging ideas about what "to be a lover" and "to be a friend" really means to each of us?

To me, a real friend shares deep levels of understanding and emotion which I only want to share with people that I can really trust. As a lover, on the other hand, I wish to share deep emotions, desires, as well as levels of trust and being that are so deep that they go way beyond words. My greatest desire would be to combine the two types of relationship, but I've found that difficult to accomplish. So I have a few close friends on the one hand and I am committed to a deep love relationship on the other.

Both types of relationship take much time. But this is "quality" and "super quality time", and so I wish to be a really good friend and even a better lover, a person who has time and emotional availability for both types of relationship. If ever I have to chose to spend time with one rather than the other type of relationship, there is no question that the "lover" relationship goes first.

MarkPaul · 26-30, M

Truth be told, I haven't figured out how to be either, but selfishly desire to experience "it" for myself which I know is wrong since having a lover and a best friend requires being reciprocal. I could go on and on - and still might - about all the reasons for my dilemma (I'm shy, I regularly don't really like myself, I have a light touch of social anxiety, I have some low self-esteem issues, I tend to carry past rejections with me rather than letting them go, etc.), but until I gain some self-understanding and allow myself some self-acceptance, my guess is I will be doomed to experience neither. For purposes of clarity, I am not associating a lover with ONLY the act of sex and best friend with ONLY a long-time friendly relationship.

Azuriela · 46-50, F

@holdinwardly yes , you understood perfectly. Initially ,?I was sad when I realized that my friends understood me more easily than my husband and that his friends understood him more easily than I do. Now , I accept that I will just have to work harder in our relationship to understand and be understood.
Also, on the point of friends I am questioning if I ever want to risk the pain of betrayal and abandonment again by getting so close to friends.
Thank you so much for your awesome advice.

Azuriela · 46-50, F

@holdinwardly I've never had close friends in my life until the last few years. Friends I felt truly close to because they understood me and we were there for each other. One of those friends betrayed me and the other suddenly cut communication for no reason. My husband does not understand me as well as they nor do I understand him as well as some of his close friends but we trust each other and are committed to making our relationship work

MarkPaul · 26-30, M

Wow Azuriela, you kind of captured the pure essence of friendship and lover in a way that makes it clear what the distinction is and why both types of relationships are of value. I can use that information. Thanks!