What does non-toxic/ healthy relationships feel or look like?

I never been in healthy relationships, mostly been around toxic people ( family, friends and dating/relationships) my whole life till now.

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SammyJo · 51-55, F

Any relationship should ebb and flow. That is, nobody wholly takes the lead. It's shared. Thoughts and feelings are taken into consideration and reacted to respectfully.

Me and my other 'arf do try to do nice things for each other per day, whether it's opening a door for the other, or buying flowers, or just leaving a nice note or comment. It doesn't mean that you have disagreements but what it does mean are those disagreements are discussed verbally, in a calm manner, with nothing thrown or broken.

Above all, it's about feeling safe..

SJD x

sahi81 · 22-25, F

@SammyJo i think i valued the other person more and valued myself less . That's why it turned toxic. Relationships seem like , they have to have mutual respect and value for each other

SammyJo · 51-55, F

@sahi81 Yeah, I get that...but the other person then should take those cues to actually help you...to bring you up! My wife, I think she's wonderful...and the best part of me....and whenever I have that inkling to put her up on a pedistool she's always the first to knock that notion down.

Relationships, of any kind, are a 'working towards' so, by definition, that includes keeping you - or people that suffer from the same esteem issues as yourself - at a similar level to them. Never easy. Never quick. Work in progress. Y'know?

sahi81 · 22-25, F

@SammyJo that's true, then maybe it's bcuz the ppl i was with were toxic, they added to my self-hatred more.

SammyJo · 51-55, F

@sahi81 *Big deep breath* Or maybe some of it is down to you.

So, let me explain. It's very easy at times to just go with the flow and not re-evaluate. We all do that in some way shape or form in our lives. Also in relationships.

If someone's letting you impose their will/enthusiasm on you then it can be hard to pull up from. We love homeostasis...that is everything going along just fine...and when people get to the end of their tether and explode, that other person can see it as things are just like normal and why are they acting this way. Does that make sense?

That's why we always talk about communication. Sometimes we talk more about communication than the actual talking!

As an example of that, me and my partner...we check in every so often..regularly...just to see where we are, how we're feeling...and, most importantly, if I am pissing them off! We talk. we work things out, we change things...or we're happy and continue.

SJD xx

sahi81 · 22-25, F

@SammyJo I think the people i was with were very toxic since they only tried to pull me down and constantly tried to feel superior over me. No amount of communication could have prevented it. But if people r genuine, good communication is important

SammyJo · 51-55, F

@sahi81 Ah...this is true....and it can be so damn tiring to keep correcting that narrative, can't it?

Hugs,

SJD xx

sahi81 · 22-25, F

@SammyJo which narrative? Sry i didn't understand what u meant. My native language is not english 😅

SammyJo · 51-55, F

@sahi81 Worry you not. What I mean is their story, their track...what they think is right. When you have to keep pulling them up over their behaviours and attitude, it can get tiring let alone boring!

Where are you from?

SJD x

sahi81 · 22-25, F

@SammyJo yes, I am tired of trying to change people who don't want to change. It was like watering a dead plant

I am from India.

SammyJo · 51-55, F

@sahi81 Hugs, girl..

Well, you have a friend in me...

SJD xx

SarahTheHooker · 26-30, F

@SammyJo Me and Adrian do that too, Sammy Jo; Check in and just chat. That way there's no burning issues as such.

Sarah 💋