Closing the space between us
I really want to say that I love him, but I'm holding off. That's what it feels like in my heart, but I am going to listen to the logical part of my brain and remember that I dont truly know him yet.
Is it possible to love someone you don't know?
For now, I will admit that I am falling... hard. For this guy. Even after everything that has happened, I can't deny that he feels like my person.
... the day that I had ran the search on him and found out that he had a felony and gave me a false name, I visited him. I felt a need to see him in person and to discuss what I had just found out. I knew that if I told him what it was about in advance, he wouldn't want to see me. So, athough this is something I would never typically do, I drove to his house unannounced and rang the doorbell.
He didn't answer.
Then I left him a voicemail, saying that I had dropped by to surprise him. He called me not much later and said that he was picking up a new car that he was leasing and asked if I wanted to ride with him then go by his house. I said sure. He picked me up, and during the ride I am just fiddling with my fingers. Knowing that I know something he doesn't know, and wondering how I am going to tell him.
The ride probably took 40 minutes there and back, and then we get to his place and he has a phone call he has to take (work) for 30 minutes. So I just wait in the living room... still freaking out on the inside about how I'm going to broach the subject.
When he is done with the phone call, he sits by me on the couch, but I ask him if we could go to his room. He's confused, but says okay. When we get in there, I let him lay on the bed and then I climbed on top of him. Straddling him, I let my chest fall so that we are looking at each other eye to eye. And then I take a deep breath and tell him. "I know about [insert his real name here]".
He just looks at me. No expression on his face, as if he is wondering how to respond. Before giving him a moment to, I just squeezed him tight. I told him that it didn't matter, and I just wish he had just told me sooner. I told him that it gave me relief, because I had thought that he was backing away from me for other reasons. I told him that everything made so much more sense now.
Then I saw relief flood over his face. I saw a range of emotions, of shock and awe... hesitance. He said "You scare me."
I was like, "What do you mean, I scare you?" Haha.
He said, "You just do... so you're telling me that you found that out, and then came to meet me in-person today?" I said yes. "That's bold." He replied. "I could never do something like that."
I then squeezed him tighter with my legs and hands. Showing him with my body that I am not pulling away from him, and that instead I am closer to him. I wanted him to feel comfortable. I wanted him to know that I didn't see him any differently, and that he still had my heart.
He asked me if I wanted to hear what happened. I told him only if he wanted to tell me. I told him that if he felt like he needed to tell me, he could do it for himself, but it wasn't something I needed. After some silence, he told me that he did want to do it for himself. So he shared what had happened. Many of the details were in alignment with what I had ran across in the search. He was telling the truth.
I hugged him some more. We kissed some more. And it was like he just couldn't stop. I laughed and asked him why he was kissing me so much, he said "Because I can really mean it now."
Is it possible to love someone you don't know?
For now, I will admit that I am falling... hard. For this guy. Even after everything that has happened, I can't deny that he feels like my person.
... the day that I had ran the search on him and found out that he had a felony and gave me a false name, I visited him. I felt a need to see him in person and to discuss what I had just found out. I knew that if I told him what it was about in advance, he wouldn't want to see me. So, athough this is something I would never typically do, I drove to his house unannounced and rang the doorbell.
He didn't answer.
Then I left him a voicemail, saying that I had dropped by to surprise him. He called me not much later and said that he was picking up a new car that he was leasing and asked if I wanted to ride with him then go by his house. I said sure. He picked me up, and during the ride I am just fiddling with my fingers. Knowing that I know something he doesn't know, and wondering how I am going to tell him.
The ride probably took 40 minutes there and back, and then we get to his place and he has a phone call he has to take (work) for 30 minutes. So I just wait in the living room... still freaking out on the inside about how I'm going to broach the subject.
When he is done with the phone call, he sits by me on the couch, but I ask him if we could go to his room. He's confused, but says okay. When we get in there, I let him lay on the bed and then I climbed on top of him. Straddling him, I let my chest fall so that we are looking at each other eye to eye. And then I take a deep breath and tell him. "I know about [insert his real name here]".
He just looks at me. No expression on his face, as if he is wondering how to respond. Before giving him a moment to, I just squeezed him tight. I told him that it didn't matter, and I just wish he had just told me sooner. I told him that it gave me relief, because I had thought that he was backing away from me for other reasons. I told him that everything made so much more sense now.
Then I saw relief flood over his face. I saw a range of emotions, of shock and awe... hesitance. He said "You scare me."
I was like, "What do you mean, I scare you?" Haha.
He said, "You just do... so you're telling me that you found that out, and then came to meet me in-person today?" I said yes. "That's bold." He replied. "I could never do something like that."
I then squeezed him tighter with my legs and hands. Showing him with my body that I am not pulling away from him, and that instead I am closer to him. I wanted him to feel comfortable. I wanted him to know that I didn't see him any differently, and that he still had my heart.
He asked me if I wanted to hear what happened. I told him only if he wanted to tell me. I told him that if he felt like he needed to tell me, he could do it for himself, but it wasn't something I needed. After some silence, he told me that he did want to do it for himself. So he shared what had happened. Many of the details were in alignment with what I had ran across in the search. He was telling the truth.
I hugged him some more. We kissed some more. And it was like he just couldn't stop. I laughed and asked him why he was kissing me so much, he said "Because I can really mean it now."
31-35, F
