Does every person have an affair at some stage in their life?

@Bishop I wonder if you speak to your wife about how you feel (not cheating) but needing physical intimacy how she would feel?

@Mellowgirl it's far more complicated. You can love someone but things happen over time that make you realise you don't like them.

It's not possible for me to get intimate with her. We are more like friends and partners in a property holding than husband and wife.

I also realised recently that I've been emotionally abused...gaslighted for years. I always thought I'd been the problem.

I'm the most stable, friendly and forgiving person anyone could know...I'm not bragging, but I just want the best for everyone. Even to a fault, which I will absorb.

And I've absorbed so much that I just cannot take it anymore. I just don't want to hurt anyone...even my wife. She has her issues. Hell, we all do. But I've taken difficult roads of self examination to make changes where they were necessary.

Why can't she? Am I a possession/provider? Why do I need to put myself at the bottom of the heap always? I'm not happy and more than once considered just driving up into the mountains and losing myself; but I'm not that way and always end up thinking of others whose lives would be negatively affected.

So here I am. I'm getting older and see no end to it with little time left to enjoy my life if possible. Maybe I lack the courage to change it. Maybe it's so familiar I can't see any way out.

Just exasperated. I need a woman to share my life without me feeling like an automaton provider. Someone who values who I am. Yet, I loathe the thought of possibly hurting my wife or being hated after I've given so much.

Sorry to vent (I am normally very private and quiet about personal matters) but I've reached a crucial point and am seeking a catalyst to force my hand.

@Bishop I don't think you should apologise. I was having a melt down yesterday and some people told me this will pass, try not to think about it, asked if I had anyone to talk to about including seeking professional help.
As this is a marriage you entered and obviously not lightly I can only suggest you find and try a therapist, sometimes it helps to go alone first.
It's a good start instead of cheating!
That way if there are things you need to heal from (gaslighting) this will help. Obviously that doesn't help with the physical itch you have but it may help you just even to vocalise the deep desires you have.
Sometimes we think we want the physical but it can be the lack of intimacy.
Much like thirst vs hunger.
I truly think that you've probably had a lot of time to think about this.
But I will tell you, no good comes from creeping around.
It's better as man & wife you decide limits, boundaries, acceptances etc you know

No woman wants their partner to suggest an open relationship but if she is open to that maybe that could work.
I really don't know.
But I think talking is a good starting point

@Mellowgirl I agree. Yet, having been a partner with my wife for so long, I've become convinced that there is no chance of change.

I've tried. Thirty plus years. We can't talk. She reverts to gaslighting. I always end up the bad guy. No change.

I go on, she goes on...we continue.

I made my choice. I have someone who pays the right kind of attention to me but there isn't a solid connection. It would cost me my job.

I think about her like I did my first love...all the time. Even when I'm home. I can't get enough of her. I can't wait to see her. Talk to her. I don't remember feeling that way with my wife...it's wrong. I know that's what I'm supposed to believe. But why?

I have no idea where it will go. Even if it will. I know she is aware of how I feel, and I catch her staring or looking at me and I get that junior high school first love feeling...then I feel guilty.

It's driving me crazy. She's also very much younger than I am, and I am aware that that particular issue has it's own problems. Yet, I don't care. She's all I think I ever wanted. Smart, sexy, funny, beautiful beyond compare...and she shows interest I don't get at home.

I'm almost afraid or even ashamed to say I'm in love with her. But also, I know it can't work. It wouldn't be fair to either her or my wife.

I'm a manager at work and fraternization is a termination offense. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

I just know that I love both women; just in different ways. Maybe I'm just having a mid life crisis. LOL...I'll outgrow it when I pass...

Thanks for listening to me. I have not been able to share this with anyone.

When I close my eyes to sleep; I'll see my girl at work and be sad.

@Bishop good luck. I think its as you say. A mid life crisis. If you were really that unhappy you'd either try the counselling, or end the marriage but I think the fear of being alone is far too great.

I hope this chat really has helped you at least to be able to get on with things...

@Bishop wow thats pretty much how i feel. (and simlar situation)
long story short was seeing a so called FWB and fell completely for her. Lasted about 3 months. nearly 14 years later we are back in touch (and seen each other) but all those years pretty much thought about her as never had felt that way about someone. its complicated and shes not near so meeting is alot harder.