Fear (Poem)

In fragile youth I dreamed of you
Someone who loved me who I could love too
In fragile youth I dreamed of love
A boy so focused on falsities from above

And in fragile youth I found this ring
A symbol of purity and a promise for someone worth everything
In fragile youth was my heart forged
And on romantic ideals did my mind gorge

And through endless youth did those ideals flourish
And I waited for you and hoped your love could nourish
The faded optimism of times so fleeting
And love falls away in dreams of meeting

Boys become men and have by love been eluded
Perhaps some naive, youthful hopes and dreams too deluded
Waiting for someone who never came
And going through nothing but more of the same

Yet still waiting and hoping, in what little remains
Of the youth of a young man attempting to hold onto those same reigns
Of a boy lost to the wind still dreaming of an unmet Lenore
Perhaps destined to wait eternally and be alone forevermore

And though once I found myself carrying such eternal flame
For someone who I did not yet even know in name
And though I once clung to idealistic and romantic notions
And still wait forevermore hoping victorious with those naive potions

These hands have grown older and colder and firmer and stronger
These eyes have grown weary and jaded and greyer and longer
And this heart has grown tired and cynical and hurt and bloodied
And this soul has grown worn and lost and fallen to become muddied

And these hands, so rough and coarse no longer recognized by these same eyes
No longer so soft and untainted and no longer able to be held by someone undespised
Now sheathed and protected behind dark, thick gloves
From the cuts and bruises and scars left by fake forgotten doves

And though I'd hoped one day to share love and youth
With someone like you, sweet and soft and yet dark but still holding only truth
I fear I am lost to time that you shall never know
The real man, the real boy, who once laughed in wonder and played in snow

My successes, my victories, my strength, my change, pain
Unknowable for someone who never knew, and can't, from whence I came
Why weren't you there, when I needed you most? Why weren't you there before?
Why was I abandoned to the dark and abused and hurt, why was I left alone, torn to the core?

A youth spent hurt making the harshest of best friends
With pain and rejection and with dark and violent trends
Stuck deep in the past, unable to escape
Even for you now, I am still lost, I fear, permanently, you are too late

A youth spent falling, for shadows and for shades
And now I have become one, just a shadow in the glades
One you claim you fell for, but you were always too late
And even I can't change that, the past forces all to fade

Fall in love with a shadow on the wall
A ghost haunting through the halls
Your own reflection you may see
Atoning for a past that gave no choice in being a monstrosity

That gave no choice in breaking innocence
Despite the shreds being held onto in ignorance
Just hold me closer, to feel your warmth
And help me pretend my heart can once more be transformed

Just feel my fear and look in my eyes
And maybe one day again, we can feel warm skies