idk why im so upset over someone i've only talked to for 3 days

Several thoughts:

My dad died 5 months ago, and I shoved everything I feel about that into a box and buried it at the bottom of an ocean in my mind. But it seems all my negative thoughts are a part of the same ocean, so every time something upsets me it creates a storm on that ocean and shakes the box, letting out some bits of what I've stored in there and it feels horrible.

Girls are my biggest distraction and I thought... why not go on a dating app and just talk to people and forget about the heavy stuff in life>

so I've been talking to this girl on a dating app a lot for like.. three days lol and I thought she was super cute and we were hitting it off or so it seemed..

I think I actually swiped till the very end of the app (small place issues lmao) and she was the only one I found cute. She reminded me a little of my ex.. the good parts anyway

Then my friend asked if I got her number / social media and pressured me to make a move and ask. So I asked for her instagram.. and what I did not expect was for her to say no. Which was weird for someone who talked to me that much? It's not like I was asking to meet. And I get some people are private but... there are also catfishes and how else would I verify that they're not one? I live in a small enough area that if I followed someone close to my age on a dating app we'd most likely have several mutuals.

For some reason being upset about that dragged up my emotions about my dad and I spent that night listening to emo music and trying to get rid of those thoughts. And I think my ego got hurt. I already hate making first moves cuz it makes me so anxious, and I think it's unfair that I'm always the one doing it with every girl. But at least when I do make the first move, no one's ever said no? My friend said it was a little shady and warned me she could be a catfish. But I guess it's fine since I'm only talking for now.

But then our convo became a little awkward.. maybe? after that.. and she hasn't replied for a day. Which makes me wish I never asked.

This is gna sound weird but I am both narcissistic and insecure at the same time. But it makes sense since ppl tell me I'm good looking, smart, and generally nice, and so I know I can get the attention of some rly good looking people out there, but I also think I'm not very good with social situations, and every time I fk something up I go over it over and over in my head.

I spent the whole of last night wondering why I was upset that she wasn't replying. I've talked to tons of people on dating apps and I've nvr felt particularly upset about anything. Even when I got catfished before I got over it in a day.

Maybe it's because she talks like my ex did, and because we shared quite a lot in the relatively short time we talked, but I think I actually liked her.

I also lowkey believe I have a thing for unavailable girls. I found the fact that my ex did a push and pull thing with me addictive. It's somewhat toxic but girls that played games seemed to pique my interest more in the past. So idk if this girl pulling back is gna make me more interested but more upset at the same time.

Sometimes I feel like I can't fully figure out my own feelings. But I just know this had made me super upset and I don't want it to unearth that boatload of negative emotions from 5 months ago that I've yet to process because if I don't do that at the right time I fear it may break me.


SO... yeah idk what I wanted from typing this out but it's helped a little perhaps.