Should I ask him what happened or just leave it as is? If he really wanted to see me, he would have made the effort despite my responses right?

Hi everyone, so earlier in June, I met this guy. I felt like we got along really well. He kept asking me on more dates and we went on 6 dates. We slept with each other twice during those times. However, I'm looking for a serious relationship and at the age I don't want to waste my time.

So on the sixth date, I asked him where he saw things going and he told me that he hasn't really thought about it. He said that he takes a long time to make things official because breaking up is hard if things end up not working out. And he told me that he really likes me and that he thinks I'm hot, but he needs more time. I felt as if 6 dates is enough time to get to know someone... and I asked him if he would be okay with me seeing other people. He paused and he said that he guesses it would be okay because it would be selfish of him to say he's not okay with it.

The next week came around, and his actions were normal- he consistently texted me every day or every other day at least to check on me which he has always done. We normally went out every Friday and spent the night together, but this time he told me that he would be busy on that Friday. I responded and told him it's fine because I had plans anyway.

The next few days he continued to text me and I made my answers short and stopped responding after a few texts. He eventually stopped texting after that nad he has not asked me out again. I notice that he responds to my story on Instagram from time to time and tries to talk to me, but again, i normally make my answers short and don't respond like I did before.

I took time and distanced myself from him because I didn't want to get too attached to someone that I wasn't sure if we would be together or not. But as the weeks goes on, I find myself still thinking about him and other dates really have not measured up to how I feel with him. I miss the way he made me feel heard and the way he was always there for me, consistent, and just so gentle with me. I wished he would ask me on another date. I'm not sure why he hasn't just asked me again, even if my responses are short, wouldn't he want to just ask me what's wrong?

The last time he talked to me was when he saw my brother is moving to California, and he told me to let him know if i wanted a huge. I just responded with "haha thanks" and that was it.

I'm not sure whether I should ask him why he hasn't asked me out again or what's going on first because I feel that if he really wanted to see me again, he would have made the effort to plan something. He is 32 and I'm 27. can someone please help me out? haha

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Threepio

This sounds so much like a millennial friend of mine...

Sorry, but I'm going to be a little brutal here...

If he really wanted to see me, he would have made the effort despite my responses right?

No, he probably sees you as for exactly what your responses were and what they indicated. Not a single one of the male species have ever attended courses for "mindreading'.

So on the sixth date, I asked him where he saw things going and he told me that he hasn't really thought about it.

WTF is it about the need to ask for "where do you see things going?". Most guys when confronted with that question after six dates would run... (as they should). You just put pressure on him... THEN... when he didn't tell you exactly what you wanted to hear, you threatened him (can I see other guys?).

Why do you need affirmation?...IE Just see other guys if that is what you feel you need to do. YOU DON'T need to tell him you are going to do this.... Because now you appear a little slutty to him and he will friend zone you. BTW: Did you tell him he could see other women? If he asked you that, how would you respond?

We normally went out every Friday and spent the night together, but this time he told me that he would be busy on that Friday. I responded and told him it's fine because I had plans anyway.

And when he didn't tell you exactly what you wanted to hear you followed through with your threat (I have plans anyway). I hope YOU mentioned that those plans were with your sister or explained them away somehow ... because if you did not he most probably ASSUMED that you were seeing someone else that night.

Then you say you "distanced" yourself from him.
=

I made my answers short and stopped responding after a few texts.

from time to time and tries to talk to me, but again, i normally make my answers short and don't respond like I did before.

I took time and distanced myself from him because I didn't want to get too attached to someone that I wasn't sure if we would be together or not.

I'm not sure why he hasn't just asked me again, even if my responses are short, wouldn't he want to just ask me what's wrong?

Sorry, but at this point in time you actions have probably led him to beleive that you are an enigma of mixed signals....

The last time he talked to me was when he saw my brother is moving to California, and he told me to let him know if i wanted a huge. I just responded with "haha thanks" and that was it.

Another missed opportunity to have a dialog that could go a long ways towards mending fences... Instead, you just blew him off.......

I'm not sure whether I should ask him why he hasn't asked me out again or what's going on first because I feel that if he really wanted to see me again, he would have made the effort to plan something. He is 32 and I'm 27.

At this point he has strong suspicions that you will reject him. And FRAGILE guys don't like that one iota.....

He probably sees this whole "he should take charge" crap as another opportunity for you to reject (or distance) yourself from him.

OK...moving on from why you are an enigma to why is he fragile.....
Simple and blunt... If he is 32, he is way past the "commit" age. So he is either living in his parent's basement or has been royally shit on in past relationships and has a serious fear of commitment. If you pressure him he will fold like an origami. My guess as a past "leader of men" is that he is one of the good guys that have been toyed with and now find themselves single and early-mid thirties. If you want to repair this relationship there really is only one way to do it... You have to treat him with "kid gloves".

It is 2020, pull on your big girl panties! Ask him to coffee. Lay it out on the table. IE: I like you, I like the way you treat me, I like us and I'm sorry.. I have now realized that I may have given you a plethora of mixed signals and I would like to start over. How can we do this?

You will either get his "buy-in" or he will reject you outright. But that is the chance you have to take if you think you want to pursue his company.

Then comes the hard part.... You have to let your relationship develop over time. It is a gamble.... How much time? No one really knows. Push too hard and too soon for "affirmation" and you risk his running.

I have friends that have been in a relationship for many years with the absence of a ring. and I have friends who just married that have been together 5 years and have 2 kids.

If there is one thing I want you to take away from this write-up, it is this... COMMUNICATE and then COMMUNICATE some more. AND PLAY SAFE... a surprise from the gynecologist will f*ck this up like Hogan's Goat..... (more pressure too soon).

gracek93 · 31-35, F

@Threepio thank you so much. I think you’re 100% right. He did mention he’s at the age that it’s harder to get into the wrong relationships and he mentioned that he wish he started dating earlier but he was figuring out his life. I also know he has a little bit of anxiety.

But I just don’t understand because I did communicate! I was very up front about my intentions and about what I was looking for. I communicated everything I could. If he really wanted to see me again or if he really missed me don’t you think he would communicate with me??

I just feel hurt that he hasn’t even tried to ask me what’s wrong. Also I don’t understand indirect communication so maybe he is responding to my posts on Instagram and striking convos just because? Maybe it doesn’t really mean anything to him. Like I’m not up for small talk. I want a real date which he has not initiated again after the Friday thing.

Threepio

@gracek93

But I just don’t understand because I did communicate! I was very up front about my intentions and about what I was looking for.

True maybe... but that was in the beginning before things went totally South and communication broke down.

I'm guessing that in your mind things were going well enough that you wanted affirmation that you had found "the one" and your dreams of marital bliss were right around the corner.

And I'm also guessing that he viewed that communication as "She is pushing too hard, too fast" (especially if as you say he has some anxiety issues). So what happened: Like a turtle...he crawled back into his protective shell the moment you made the statement "OK to date others". Obviously what you intended when you spoke and what he heard have two different meanings.

Remember the response "I guess it is OK?" That statement says a lot. Because it really isn't a definitive answer. I interpret it to mean "I don't want you to, but if you insist...I'll just scoot myself over here to the FRIEND ZONE."

I just feel hurt that he hasn’t even tried to ask me what’s wrong.

My guess would be that he already "KNOWS WHAT IS WRONG." Read...he has assumed that you are playing him.... Put yourself in his shoes....
You asked... is it OK to date others
You then backed that up with "I have plans anyway"

If he is reading you like most "inexperienced" men read women... he has already assumed you have either moved on... or have intentions of doing so.

His little "probes" into your insta is his way of validating his assumptions... both sexes do that all the time. Your short and blunt replies to his "probes" are proving TO HIM that his assumptions may be correct. Look at it this way: each one of his "probes" is an opportunity for you to open the door to further and MEANINGFUL conversation. A "second chance" if you will... But your short/blunt responses are looking TO HIM as another possible rejection (like you aren't really interested in him).

Bottom line: If you want him, you are going to have to take the initiative. Call him up and ASK HIM on a "real date". And use that opportunity to clear the air... If you don't have the wherewithal to do that... then maybe you should go date those other guys you mentioned.

gracek93 · 31-35, F

@Threepio Thank you so much for your responses and for breaking all of this down for me! You're totally right. I could tell from his expressions when I asked him if he would be okay with me dating other people, he didn't like it.

Also, before everything went south, we had spoken about running at the park close to my home together. He had never gone to the park near me before because it has a harder trail, but he had been training for it so we could run together (This was when we were normal). But during the time that I was responding with blunt and short messages, he told me that he had been running in the park near my house. I just responded that's awesome and he should keep it up. That was the end of it. He didn't ask me if I wanted to run with him, etc. So I was confused why he would even mention to me that he's been at that park and why he would still be going to the park near me to begin with.

Also If a man really likes a girl and he wants to continue seeing her, wouldn't he jump in to be that man so that another man can't take the girl from him?

In the beginning, he would text me all the time- even if I didn't respond, he would text me again. Now, when my answers are blunt and short, he stops and tries again another time. Why are his actions different now and all of a sudden he's not pushing to get my attention?