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Butterflykisses24 In the very beginning of our relationship, I was incredibly trusting and when I found out that he was being dishonest it blindsided me. I've never fully come back from that. Now, by being dishonest I mean he was in a very emotional relationship with a girl in Mexico, where he's from. The kind of relationship where you say I love you before you hang up. So while it wasn't physical, it was very serious.
He told me at that time that he was trying to end it with her, but she owed him a lot of money that he hoped to get back very soon and then it would be over... but if he broke up with her, she would never pay him back.
I have since come to understand that this was true and she does (still) owe him more than 3,000$. Nevertheless, this absolutely broke the trust and then I found out later that he was in a relationship when he met me which made me the other woman... and I found this out after we'd been married four years.
So there's a pattern of dishonesty. I've never caught him cheating but he's very private and has extremely shady behaviors that I'm not even capable of viewing with any clarity because I'm still reeling over the shock of having been cheated on the first time.
He has this way about him that feels so responsible and honest and I don't know why, because he's absolutely not either of those... but that's what attracted me to him so when I found out he had been cheating, that he'd changed her name to "Mom" in his phone so he could text her while hanging out with me.. that this person who I'd picked based on presumed integrity was, in fact, cheating... it really fucked things up.
In retrospect, I should have gotten out then but I didn't and a few months later I was pregnant. We worked it out, we have had a lot of good times and have a great sex life but we are very different people and he tests my trust all the time. My trust that is weak and broken to begin with.
I am willing to acknowledge that I have a problem trusting him but in this case I was not searching his phone for any reason other than he asked me to. I have to physically resist going through his files and checking his texts; it used to be hard, now it's gotten easier and while I still can't fully get past it, I've come a long way.
That being said, he doesn't respond to any talk of my jealousy at all. He instantly gets angry. It becomes a huge, stupid fight and he either threatens to leave or says something awful that I'll never get over and never forget.
I just feel like we've damaged each other so much in these 7 years... everyone is resentful, everyone is broken in their own way, we are both disappointed in the other... we both suck. But I love him. I do, I love him and my kids love him.
We obviously need therapy, but he's not interested and I can't carry this marriage on my own anymore. Maybe we have just fucked each other up too much....
Sorry for the long reply. Had a rough day with him, dealing with it by myself and feeling pretty introspective.
