What do I do with all this painful energy?
My husband stayed up late last night on the computer again, which he hasn't done in a while but we all go in phases, right? Well, unfortunately it seems that he only has one phase. It doesn't matter how many years we put behind us, he always seems to drift back into searching for his ex on social media (though she thoroughly blocked him on every possible media and lied about who she was in the first place so he can't find her) and chatting on MSN messenger with girls he met on some weird, music download chat site.
This was stuff he did as a teen and we struggled a little with defining "fidelity" in those first, difficult years but we had a son and made it work. I thought I could trust him, I really did. I went to bed and left him sitting there alone whereas 5 years ago I'd have camped the living room til I was dozing to somehow 'prevent' any kind of hurtful activity. It's insane to think that's how I used to live, but then... when I get online today to do some shopping I find literally two hours of searches for this girl and a history of him deleting his MSN chat history and various other things that make my stomach churn.
Here we are again. Where I can't trust him and I can't confront him. I didn't go checking the history, I am past that phase of my life; I was shopping and wanted to go back and find something I'd looked at earlier and there it all was. I'd forgotten about him being online all night until then.
I guess this isn't a question, it's a confession. Nobody will have the answer and half of you will get tired before you read all of it but you see I'm trapped in a situation that makes it very difficult to talk to people in my real life about this; I've worked really hard to maintain this illusion of perfection and intimacy that he likes to remind me is in my imagination. I just needed someone to talk to without changing the way they think about me and my family.
What to do?
Nothing. He will turn it around on me, get furious and threaten to leave if I bring it up because it's his tactic and I don't want to be a single mother. I think I can just tolerate it until my kids are older, until I can figure out how to make it work on my own without taking their father away from them. I just have to tolerate it. It's like swallowing fire and it will be hard to kiss him or touch him and when I do, I'll be thinking about his deceptions and it will feel gross for a while.
Then I'll forget a little and it wont hurt so much until it happens again. My daughter is 2 so that's only like 16 years. I'm sure it will be just fine.
Lastly... I have told him before a hundred times that there would come a day when I found out and it wouldn't hurt anymore and that would be when he needed to worry. I found this out today and it hurts, but not nearly as much. I haven't cried yet. I guess we're getting close to the danger zone; the place where not even love can save us.
This was stuff he did as a teen and we struggled a little with defining "fidelity" in those first, difficult years but we had a son and made it work. I thought I could trust him, I really did. I went to bed and left him sitting there alone whereas 5 years ago I'd have camped the living room til I was dozing to somehow 'prevent' any kind of hurtful activity. It's insane to think that's how I used to live, but then... when I get online today to do some shopping I find literally two hours of searches for this girl and a history of him deleting his MSN chat history and various other things that make my stomach churn.
Here we are again. Where I can't trust him and I can't confront him. I didn't go checking the history, I am past that phase of my life; I was shopping and wanted to go back and find something I'd looked at earlier and there it all was. I'd forgotten about him being online all night until then.
I guess this isn't a question, it's a confession. Nobody will have the answer and half of you will get tired before you read all of it but you see I'm trapped in a situation that makes it very difficult to talk to people in my real life about this; I've worked really hard to maintain this illusion of perfection and intimacy that he likes to remind me is in my imagination. I just needed someone to talk to without changing the way they think about me and my family.
What to do?
Nothing. He will turn it around on me, get furious and threaten to leave if I bring it up because it's his tactic and I don't want to be a single mother. I think I can just tolerate it until my kids are older, until I can figure out how to make it work on my own without taking their father away from them. I just have to tolerate it. It's like swallowing fire and it will be hard to kiss him or touch him and when I do, I'll be thinking about his deceptions and it will feel gross for a while.
Then I'll forget a little and it wont hurt so much until it happens again. My daughter is 2 so that's only like 16 years. I'm sure it will be just fine.
Lastly... I have told him before a hundred times that there would come a day when I found out and it wouldn't hurt anymore and that would be when he needed to worry. I found this out today and it hurts, but not nearly as much. I haven't cried yet. I guess we're getting close to the danger zone; the place where not even love can save us.
36-40, F
