What are some fun ways to answer everyday questions like “how’s it going” or “what do you do”?

How's it going?: Online: Delete or respond: Huh???? In real life: It's not going too good, this morning two assassins nearly cornered my at the church. It was touch and go for a while but the big one I threw off the roof and the little fast one slipped and fell down the stairs. I'm just baffled about which country has put a hit on me.... How's your day going?

Maybe I shouldn't answer the "what do you do" question....