I hurt someone before 💔

Okay here’s the thing. I hurt my ex so bad before and leave him so broken that he wants to end his life and threaten me with that. We were living together. I am so bad. It’s just that i got tired of everything because we are not growing up. I ask him to find work that pays better but he doesn’t have self confidence. He always tell me he wants to work outside the country which pays better but no opportunity yet and try to tell him for the moment work here and grab opportunity if there’s any better. I tried to understand him. He and his family is so good to me I don’t have a say to that. But i got tired because everytime we go out or travel it is always plus 1 to me on expenses. I understand that. Because when he has money he always spend it for me even its just a cent. He always give everything to me he always prioritize me before his self. I fell out but he tried to win me back and i realized what we’ve been through and still love him. Then i got tired with my job and quit for few months. Then i found a new job then there everything started to change again. I got tired again on our situation. I will be honest i tried to entertain some guy we chatted he got my attention because im so tired with our situation and he caught me read our chats but nothing really wrong with its just chatting and saying good morning and good night but I know its not good since i had fun chatting. But before he caught me i tried to broke up with him and he just wont just until he caught me. He blame the guy and chat the guy and threaten him, and he threaten me as well that he will post us on social media and he will suicide. I ask him for a space and to move since we are living together but he don’t want to and threaten me with many things but i tried to make him understand that we are so toxic with each other. He kind of understand but still he want to make sure after the space we will get back. He really become a different person he is scary and kind of become bad because of me. He broke up with his friends because he became close minded and get mad to them because they tried to advice him to forget me and they understand me.

Then, he decided to move city and have a goal this time for himself which i support, and we still remain friends and chat with each other, I try to boost him and happy that he is trying and now have a goal. He pursue going outside the country and he still wants to get me if he get the chance to go outside, i feel proud for him

He ask me to not be in a relationship until he find someone. Which I understand

But lately, I kind of heard that he seems dating someone but he denied it dont know if he is just trying to make me jealous. I don’t know if its true. He wants me to visit him and travel on the city. i feel hurt and cant imagine him caring for someone other than me. I don’t know if i will go since i think I’ll just be crying if i saw him with that girl and may he just plan to get back to what ive done. I just realize his worth now that he is not with me and he might have someone he care and love other than me.

I know this is my karma and deserve this. 😭😭😭