Can an adult explain please?

My ex and I started casually have sex in 2016 off and on but I never wanted to make it official, my ex did, then we dated in 2021 but broke up in 2023 because of cheating. Despite multiple betrayals by my ex, we got engaged briefly but it didn't work out. Now, despite trying to move on, I still find myself in love with my ex and wanting to be friends. I wonder why I can't let go, even though I've tried. I’ve been emotionally and mentally abused. I’m also guilty of betrayal but not compared to how I was cheated on and betrayed. I was cheated on 20+ times. 😔 I wouldn’t mind being physically abused that’s how attached I am… I’m not sure why and I hate it because we spoke today and it was my idea to be friends. And now I want to drink…

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Convivial · 26-30, F

We often want what we can't have of is bad for us... It's in our nature

LeahLovee · 22-25, C

@Convivial but I tried my best when we were together but apparently me cheating made things worse

Convivial · 26-30, F

@LeahLovee sometimes, irrespective of your best efforts, relationships just don't work out... Unless you both decided to have an open relationship, the fact that you were both cheating indicates you weren't satisfying each other's needs

LeahLovee · 22-25, C

@Convivial we weren’t and that’s okay but it’s weird like I want to continue being hurt. I spent 9 months being humiliated, degraded, cheated on and being embarrassed, and it’s like not being wanted this time, I want to feel that again.

Convivial · 26-30, F

@LeahLovee maybe you need to find yourself a dom ...

LeahLovee · 22-25, C

@Convivial the only person I’d let dom me actually and someone else, I’m not too comfortable with that but right now I’m craving it..