Am I giving my boyfriend an opportunity to cheat?

So my boyfriend has two devices and his text messages get sent to both. The other day it came up in conversation that he logged out of one to make it so his messages only go to one device. I asked him why he did that and he said it was annoying him that he was getting notifications on both. I personally think that’s a fake excuse and he did it for privacy reasons. Should I ask him if he wanted to change the passcode to the device he logged out of so he can log back in but just not tell me the passcode to it? Right now I have the passcode to the device but he’s a very private person and I think this is why he may have logged out even though I don’t know for sure. If I asked him to change the passcode and log back in (if he wants to do that) should I be worried that I am giving him an opportunity to cheat? Will he feel comfortable changing passcodes to everything after that? (Not the direction I’d want to go in, I would be doing this for him for a one time thing incase he wanted privacy)

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WhateverWorks · 36-40

🤷🏻‍♀️ I only get my text messages sent to my phone, not my tablets etc for this exact same reason. All the notifications are annoying.

Really though if someone wants to cheat they are going to do it regardless of your efforts to babysit them.

Gotta tell you, the scenario you described where you’re all up in their business wanting pass codes to all their stuff, keeping tabs on their text messaging, the whole lot of it is… not a healthy relationship/ trust dynamic.. it’s more likely that your insecurity and defense mechanism to become controlling is going to tank the relationship, not them cheating. And… if he’s already cheated then… I refer back to my initial statement where nothing you do is going to prevent them from cheating again.. if that’s something they want to do they will find a way,

if you can’t trust this person it’s better to just end things for the sake of your sanity/heart and valuable time, so that you have an opportunity to meet someone without all the baggage.

View 4 more replies »

Fifidog · 26-30, F

@WhateverWorks I’m glad to hear that it’s not normal relationship stuff because it’s happened to everybody I know

WhateverWorks · 36-40

Let me rephrase that: it’s pretty common for people to be cheated on at some point in their overall dating history. However, the intense anxiety about someone cheating on you isn’t ‘just a part of having a relationship‘. it’s OK to get insecure and important to have good communication, but in a healthy, happy, lasting relationship you’re not ‘living in fear‘.

There’s also this separate phenomenon where people with particular issues tend to gravitate to other people who have relatable issues, which often leads to a bunch of normalizing/validating unhealthy stuff. @Fifidog

REMsleep · 41-45, F

@WhateverWorks I agree 100%

easterniowegin · 51-55, M

It boils down to a couple things....

If he's going to cheat, he will do it with or w/o you "giving him an opportunity." It won't be your fault, at this point.

If you're concerned about it, one of two things is happening:
- you are too overbearing and need to back off
OR
- he is giving you too many red flag signals, and you need to back away completely.

This isn't good for you. If he is toxic, remove him. Walk away, and don't let him beg himself back into your life.
If you're the one who is toxic, please find help, or you will have relationship problems forever.

I can offer more direct advice once I know more. 😉

Fifidog · 26-30, F

@easterniowegin okay message me if you want! How do I determine who is the toxic one. I don’t think it’s me I think maybe he makes me react certain ways cause he does certain things

DrSunnyTheSkeptic · 26-30, M

Relationships are not about not giving someone the opportunity not to cheat, because if they want to they will, if you feel like you can't trust him not to do that then there's a problem.

Northwest · M

I am going to make a prediction: this relationship is doomed to fail.

Why do you want to know his password?

Rickg · 31-35, M

Keeping that leash nice and short

REMsleep · 41-45, F

Leave it all alone. If he wants more privacy he will ask for it. In general I would suggest not to worry nor snoop through his things unless you see red flags of cheating.
If you do see true red flags then you probaby have your answer on wether he is cheating or not already.
If you are insecure then please work on yourself.
Just relax and leave it alone. Focus on being the best you and don't overthink, that pushes people away and takes up too much of your energy.

empanadas · 31-35, M

Unless his second phone for or business, then it's shady af

Fifidog · 26-30, F

@empanadas no it’s not for business should I bring it up or let it slide. I don’t want to be bothered by it though so I choose to ignore it. What would you do if you were me

empanadas · 31-35, M

@Fifidog only if it's another phone or you have a gut feeling if the dude is cheating

Fifidog · 26-30, F

@empanadas would it be fair to have him log back in but change the passcode if it’s privacy he wants?

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