Love & Attraction

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I am struggling with my partner..

I know what works for me and what I am looking for in a husband. When my current fiancé and I started talking I was very clear about what I’m looking for in a partner. He was not honest about who he truly was. I told him I am very family oriented and want a family oriented guy etc. he went along with it all and never disagreed or said hey actually I’m not really that person. Well, fast forward, now we’ve been together a year and a half and are engaged, and I have learned some about some traits I do not find attractive in a partner, like for one, he is selfish and not an empathetic person. 2. He is not as family oriented as he made himself to be. 3. He lies a lot (like white lies bc he doesn’t want me to get upset). He treats us as two separated rather than as 1. For example: what he buys for groceries are his and I have to buy my own groceries. He also goes back on his agreements a lot for almost everything. Like we agreed that once we got married he’d put my name on the title of the home he bought when we were together and that I’ve been living in with him since he moved in. Now he changed it to a year after marriage. He also wants to sign a pre nup. I have no bad intentions and actually make more money than him, but it bothers me because all of this makes me feel very separate, it’s not how my family was growing up. Also, he had a fit when I asked him to put my brother as his one of his groomsmen (my brother put him as one). my family all loves him and he gets a long them so he has no reason to act this way. But he says he will never be close to them bc that’s not how he is. He says if I wanna go see my parents I can go by myself and that he really doesn’t wanna go. Today, I asked him what Mother’s Day plans were (we always do something with his mom and my mom) and he said he might be hanging out with his friend this Saturday.. (which is only day we can do something with my mom) he says he doesn’t need to be a part of Mother’s Day with my mom. My mother loves him and would love nothing more than him to go and I would love nothing more than him to want to go and be a part of family functions with me but lately he’s been showing me that’s not the kinda guy he is. This just all bothers me because I feel I was blind sided. He hid this side of him from me at the beginning and never revealed it until I was already living with him. Idk what to do. I just feel like this is not what I was looking for in a husband and am feeling turned off from all these qualities but am caught between that and also feeling that maybe it’s not a big deal.. idk

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GunFinger · F

It's better you found out now rather than finding out when you're married. Save yourself or you'll regret all your life. I'm sorry, but if you see all that now you have to leave the relationship.

GunFinger · F

Getting married is a partnership. It's a team. Not yours and mine. I wish people weren't like this. You are just engaged, you can still go amd make yourself happy. You're not yet married and he's already making you miserable. All of the things you said will continue on. You deserve more.

Moraguea · 26-30, F

@GunFinger I know it just makes me so sad bc I love him and want nothing more than for this to work. But I’m just not liking what I’m seeing recently. Our values don’t seem to align the way I thought they did.

GunFinger · F

@Moraguea think about it. It's never too late to back out. Not that I'm encouraging you, but you will punish yourself if you stay with someone who doesn't value your family and yourself.

MrPerditus1 · 61-69, M

What it comes down to is simple....will being with this man, in marriage, be satisfying and happy? From what it sounds like, he's not the man you want as a husband and partner to walk hand in hand through life. Don't ever settle, don't ever compromise the important things. Some compromise is alright and can be expected as you will still learn things about each other as you grow together. But, if he is doing or not doing things that make you strongly question, then he's not the right one and from all you've shared so far, I'd say it's a good thing you found out now and can end it and find someone that WILL give you what you want, if you want. I'm sorry he isn't making you happy, but better to find out now than once married.

I truly wish you the best on this.

Moraguea · 26-30, F

@MrPerditus1 thank you!

MrPerditus1 · 61-69, M

@Moraguea You're so welcome. I know it's difficult when you love someone, but if you can't share the small things, like groceries, how can you expect him to share the bigger, more important things like your family and deeper wants and needs. I really hope things work out for you.

Nebula · 41-45, F

Dude, get out while you can

Ohbabe · 22-25, F

it is a big deal and you have every right to feel hurt by this. Im sorry

JRVanguard · 26-30, M

There’s just so many red flags there
What does he do that does make you happy recently?
And does it really outweigh all that?

View 3 more replies »

JRVanguard · 26-30, M

@Moraguea That is so so so relatable
I know how hard it is
You think back on the promises you made(even though they haven’t kept there’s)
You think about how the family will react to find out you’re not together and you don’t want to go through that
You live together so that a whole extra layer
I know you know in the back of your mind what the right thing to do is
But that’s not the easy thing
Good luck
Truly
I hope to see you out of this and free and happy💙

Moraguea · 26-30, F

@JRVanguard thank you so much!

JRVanguard · 26-30, M

@Moraguea Of course!
Good luck!
Here if you need a friend 🤗

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

Seems clear that he's only with you because he doesn't want to be alone but he doesn't want to sacrifice any of his life for you. I mean I'm all for being your own people even in a relationship but to the extent you gotta buy your own groceries too?
Like what you gotta label stuff like you're college roommates?

Idk.. I don't mean to sound negative but that whole relationship would be a no for me

View 1 more replies »

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@Moraguea I feel you, not everybody likes to share certain things but when it's everything then that's a bit much. If I were in a relationship like that it would feel more like a contractual agreement than a relationship. Is his side of the family all like him too?

Moraguea · 26-30, F

@ChiefJustWalks yes that’s what I tell
Him. It feels like roommates with benefits. He’s a good guy he’s not a bad guy but he just sees things so differently from me. Idk how his side is. His mom seems very sweet and family oriented and giving. His dad does too. So I’m not sure

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@Moraguea makes sense, when I read this I don't assume he's a bad guy. He just has a different lifestyle that might not work for a lot of us. Maybe that's the norm to him, or maybe he has issues with getting too dependent & strongly clings onto whatever he can call his own. Unfortunately sometimes that's enough to end things if you aren't able to live like that too.

SW-User

This is really sad. If you accept it all as is and get married, you are in for a sad time with this guy.
I'd be really hurt if a guy asked me to sign a pre-nuptial agreement.
It really sounds like the guy isn't into marriage... not even "together".

Do not "settle". It will only bring you down.

hippyjoe1955 · 61-69, M

Well your first mistake was moving in together before marriage. I have no idea why but when couples do that they often break up shortly after they get married. The fact that you are finding fault sufficiently grievous to complain about them on SW is a further indicator that this relationship is not stable. You can try fix it or you can bail on it but as it is it will not last.

Moraguea · 26-30, F

@hippyjoe1955 my biggest regret is moving in with him before marriage…

hippyjoe1955 · 61-69, M

@Moraguea Yes I can fully understand. I am always amazed how many shackups end in divorce after the couple get married. I honestly cannot tell you why, but it is true. I hope you are able to sort this all out without too much pain.

Moraguea · 26-30, F

@hippyjoe1955 thank you!

Lostpoet · M

If it bothers you than it should bother him. Nothing you said sounded unreasonable. Just tell him don't worry you found a guy friend to go with you for mother's day.

GJOFJ3 · 61-69, M

It is a very big deal. This side of him will get worse if you two get married. Now is the best time to call it quits

SW-User

Well if you marry him anyway there is no one to blame but yourself

HootyTheNightOwl

If he wants to act single... Let him be single...

Jungleman · M

i'm not reading all that.

Moraguea · 26-30, F

@Jungleman but you took the time to comment interesting choice lol

Sydnee

Red flags

Theyitis · 36-40, M

It would be a big deal to me if my partner were that inconsiderate of me. It's not too late to break things off if that's what you want to do, or if you're just not sure you're ready to commit to being married to him.

JohnOinger · 41-45, M

Leave him

TioCarlos · 31-35, M

Leave.

iamonfire696 · 41-45, F

You won’t change him, it will just get worse. It’s far better that you found out about who he really is before you got married and had kids.

While breaking it off will still be tough, just imagine if you were married with children. Don’t waste anymore time with him. I have been married 16 years and it won’t get better. You CANNOT change those fundamental things in him.

View 1 more replies »

iamonfire696 · 41-45, F

@Moraguea You can think of me as your future self. I married the guy and had kids and yesterday he said to me that he hopes I get COVID and I die from it (I am immunocompromised”. Run far from him. You deserve better and you know this. Hopefully 5 years from now you will be with the right man and happy and will look back on this as the best decision you have made for yourself.

Moraguea · 26-30, F

@iamonfire696 omg I’m so sorry!

iamonfire696 · 41-45, F

@Moraguea thank you. It is what it is at this point but you have the ability to prevent yourself from ending up in a situation like this. I wish you the best of luck. I also hope for a real genuine love for you because this man isn’t it.

ninalanyon · 61-69, T

This is what engagement is for, finding out if you will truly be compatible.

Get out while you can.

AthrillatheHunt · 51-55, M

Sounds like You have some hard thinking and decision making to do.

caccoon · 36-40

Get away from him, you can find someone better. You don't wanna be locked into this now if you're already unhappy. It will only get worse

Fukfacewillie · 56-60, M

It doesn’t get better over time. Been married 25 years, so please take my advice to heart.

Moraguea · 26-30, F

@Fukfacewillie I know that is what I’m worried about. If he’s already acting like this and showing me this at only 1.5 years I can’t imagine how it’ll be even further down the line.

uncalled4 · 56-60, M

Geez, not a lot of good things. You have some serious thinking to do, if I may be so forward.

candycane · 31-35, F

Won't work you have already gone separate ways you will always regret he's not family orientated once u have your own familey

This message was deleted by its author.

GunFinger · F

@Smileforall don't be weird.🙄

iamonfire696 · 41-45, F

@GunFinger exactly

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