I’ve always been so guarded

I think I’m finally realizing my issue. I’m too guarded! And I’m more in touch with my masculine side than I am my feminine side…don’t get me wrong, I’m feminine where it counts lol…but I’m very independent in the sense that I like being alone. When it comes to relationships, I’m the type that preaches “I don’t need no man!” I work for myself, dress for myself and am always on guard and alert for what my next move is….work oriented and I like to get stuff done….but sometimes, I feel like I wouldn’t mind a man to make me feel pretty and small and soft and feminine..like I can relax and drop my guard for a second.. but I’m so damn stubborn about it lol. im uncomfortable with the idea of letting a man provide for me? Or treat me to nice things. I would pick up the check before he can cause that stubborn part of me says “I don’t need a man to take care of that for me”. I mean my ex would treat me but I didn’t like it. I don’t know why I’m so against it. I just don’t wanna depend on anyone I guess. I don’t want it thrown in my face. I can and prefer to take care of myself. I’ve been on my own and provided for myself since I was 18. I’m still relatively young! 22. But I dunno. Just ranting. Any others relate ? Lol

Top | Newest First | Oldest First

CrazyMusicLover · 31-35

I wouldn't mind a man taking care of me or doing things instead of me as long as he wouldn't expect sex for it, which is nearly impossible so I think I've got no other choice than going the same route. I think society has taught me that nothing is for free and there's some kind of trade and expectation in almost everything. Since I absolutely despise being expected to be sexually submissive, docile and meek like all the books, movies and media try to push into our heads since ever, I see very limited options how I could find a balance in a relationship in the world where this is considered as the norm. To me it seems that if you look helpless and in need and accept help from a man there's a silent expectation from his side you will stay like this even in case you somehow became intimate with him later. The whole damsel in distress concept where a fair knight comes to save you and expects a reward in a form of a good, meek, docile, grateful woman submitting emotionally and sexually...it just disgusts me. I know it's exaggeration, we live in the 21st century but I can't get this pattern out of my mind (it's still very alive in contemporary movies, after all) so I prefer avoiding asking for help as much as possible or putting myself into a position where I would owe somebody something.

Kazuya69 · 31-35, M

What made you so defensive? I doubt it has so much to do with masculine and feminine side of you self as much as maybe some fears or self doubts you might have. Treating someone to nice things if not done in a solely material way is just an expression of you caring, has nothing to do with gender. I don't see how doing things together or paying for a meal or something is throwing anything in your face? Also relationships are partnerships, what is anyone taking away from you by being nice or trying to make you feel special? Someone treating someone to dinner or something is in no way belittling them or saying you can't do something on your own. I also don't think any relationship should be one way ie how does it make you feel when your treating your partner?

Sb356 · 26-30, F

@Kazuya69 honestly you’re onto something. I guess it’s just growing up my mom liked to guilt trip. I’m almost positive that’s where it stems from. She’d say “I did such and such for you but you can’t return the favor” or she did something and expected something back. I dunno. I guess treating my partner feels good you know? Like I’m glad to know I can provide something but my lack of accepting it from others is a little bit of a pride thing I feel. Sometimes my ego goes into it too. I strive to be more so they can’t belittle me. You’re right though, that doesn’t say that.

Kazuya69 · 31-35, M

@Sb356 That makes allot of sense actually. Honestly Im sorry you went through that with her,It is part of being a parent to take care of your child not gain off them or expect to. It will probably take a while to get past tbh, but next time focus on the feeling you get when you do something nice for them. If you know it feels good when you treat them to something the more you keep in mind that probably makes them feel just as good. You have to believe your worth someone treating good. Doing things together doesn't take anything from what you can or they can do on their own, however id bet working together you can do better then just on your own, same is true for them. It isn't like your a burden or like they are trying to take away from you. You help each other or at least you should.

on the other hand, if they are someone who acts like taking car of you or paying for things etc is a status thing, like using you to show off then drop their ass like a bad habit. They should respect what you bring to the table as well and it's not fair if they do everything for you instead of doing things for eachother.

Carlisle · F

I can get that.
I’m super independent I don’t want to rely on anyone else for my home food clothing etc. The reason for me being like that is Iv been in an abusive relationship and I didn’t have any power.
So it makes me feel safe.
I’m more relaxed then in the relationship.
Plus I think Iv come across some very masculine men who would prefer to be at home and cook and stuff. I think that’s hot.

Sb356 · 26-30, F

That’s fair. I understand that too and honestly there’s nothing wrong with that. I never looked at the guy thing like that though, it is appealing 😂 @Carlisle

Carlisle · F

@Sb356 come home to cooked dinner and the laundry done that’s sweet ❤️

in10RjFox · M

You have perfectly understood the masculinity & femininity phenomenon as the soul is the masculine part that's protective of the femininity.. and many struggle this conflict within.

You may find what you're looking for in older men as they would inspire you by their knowledge and experience .. which you cannot find in men your age group.

DeWayfarer · 61-69, M

I believe it's really how you think of masculinity or femininity.

I really don't consider being alone as either one. More a way of escaping both. 😒

Being alone as long as I have tends to change your outlooks. And I have been alone nearly as long as your age group.

Sb356 · 26-30, F

@DeWayfarer yeah I think I like how you put it. More of an escape from both. I didn’t necessarily mean masculinity is being alone but idk it was just the first thing that came out 🙂

Add a comment...