I’ve always been so guarded

I think I’m finally realizing my issue. I’m too guarded! And I’m more in touch with my masculine side than I am my feminine side…don’t get me wrong, I’m feminine where it counts lol…but I’m very independent in the sense that I like being alone. When it comes to relationships, I’m the type that preaches “I don’t need no man!” I work for myself, dress for myself and am always on guard and alert for what my next move is….work oriented and I like to get stuff done….but sometimes, I feel like I wouldn’t mind a man to make me feel pretty and small and soft and feminine..like I can relax and drop my guard for a second.. but I’m so damn stubborn about it lol. im uncomfortable with the idea of letting a man provide for me? Or treat me to nice things. I would pick up the check before he can cause that stubborn part of me says “I don’t need a man to take care of that for me”. I mean my ex would treat me but I didn’t like it. I don’t know why I’m so against it. I just don’t wanna depend on anyone I guess. I don’t want it thrown in my face. I can and prefer to take care of myself. I’ve been on my own and provided for myself since I was 18. I’m still relatively young! 22. But I dunno. Just ranting. Any others relate ? Lol