I Want To Write My Random Thoughts And Feelings
It's still hard for me to see what I'm supposed to be getting out of this life - what it is I'm supposed to be getting back in return, what I'm supposed to really do. Try as I might, I can't seem to convince myself that life is simply and only about living life. That seems hopelessly circular to me - too unfulfilling to be the case.
There's obviously something more to the story, but it never quite seems to reveal itself to me. It's just a constant maze of could be this, could be that. But as for a clear-cut direction, a clear-cut answer, I'm flummoxed. Totally. Desperately lost.
Life seems to give every impression of containing a purpose - or at least a meaningful payback to make things worthwhile along the way. But every time I approach the question, or contemplate it from many different angles and perspectives, I just get a myriad of conflicting ideas and feelings.
And in the end, it really amounts to a whole bunch of nothing - no clear cut reason for me even needing to open my eyes in the morning, except for the fact that I can. I live life because I can live life. But as for a genuine sense of want, that's difficult to manufacture. Extremely difficult.
The only conceivable purpose, as far as I've been able to see, is that of perpetuation & continuation; you live life just because. It at least seems to be the kind of purpose that most people are happy to accept and go along with, but that doesn't really fulfil me at all. It feels off. Always has. Always will.
Life only seems to know how to go on, and it doesn't even need a meaningful reason to, it seems. But a reason is the only thing I seem to cry out for. It's the only thing worth caring for. I don't care about attainment and status; possessions & comforts or whatever. I just want something that is unmistakable meaningful. In a nutshell: I guess I just want to be with someone who's real. Like a real human being. A person with a soul, and nothing, absolutely nothing else whatsoever.
Everywhere I look on this planet (and I'm just being 100% brutally honest and real), but I can see the underlying simplicity of everyday people's consciousness and their people ways, and it honestly makes me want to cry in frustration. There's just no love or compassion anywhere or in anything. Where's the soul in things? Where's the joy? Where's the conscious intent? It's like everybody's frozen in a trance.
I see people just shuffling along looking at their shoes, maundering from one activity to the next, but not really smelling the air around them or taking in their surroundings. It's just... bizarre, and it's kinda sad. I don't get it. But I'm the only one who can see it: this generalised mode of existence that permeates everything, and I can feel it everywhere I go; an automated scenery that never really changes or evolves. It's just there for me to exist within, but there's nobody or nothing on the other end of the line to connect with. There's only ever me.
There's just nothing. Nothing except humans doing their human things (which is perfectly fine and perfectly ok). There's nothing wrong or incorrect with it. And there's nothing wrong or incorrect with other people at all. It just depresses me - to see and be a part of. And be a part of it I must, it seems...
Never had a problem with life itself. But this whole being on earth thing is an absolute noodle-scratcher to me. I'm just not interested with what's on the menu of things to do on this planet, not interested in dancing with the tune of ordinary basic living... simply because, simply because that's what other people are doing.
I just want to meet a real person and do real things with this real person (it'd just be kinda nice that's all). I don't want any of earth's affectations or trinkets. I just don't care about life in that way. I need something with substance - with a heart and with a soul, and a mind. And I absolutely must be challenged. I want something/someone to shake me to my core.
The craziest, most insane thing of all, is that my lack of insecurity means I will absolutely never throw myself upon people in desperation, for them to notice me and validate me. Which means I'll go through this life unnoticed and unseen (and probably unappreciated). Such is the life of a proverbial quiet hero; doesn't do things for rewards, doesn't do things for attention or glory, but is absolutely f*cking real and sincere to the core - a person who would give his life for his enemies and his friends alike, without a moment's hesitation.
Mindless rant over.
*sigh*
Is anybody watching America's Got Talent at the weekend? : ) : )
There's obviously something more to the story, but it never quite seems to reveal itself to me. It's just a constant maze of could be this, could be that. But as for a clear-cut direction, a clear-cut answer, I'm flummoxed. Totally. Desperately lost.
Life seems to give every impression of containing a purpose - or at least a meaningful payback to make things worthwhile along the way. But every time I approach the question, or contemplate it from many different angles and perspectives, I just get a myriad of conflicting ideas and feelings.
And in the end, it really amounts to a whole bunch of nothing - no clear cut reason for me even needing to open my eyes in the morning, except for the fact that I can. I live life because I can live life. But as for a genuine sense of want, that's difficult to manufacture. Extremely difficult.
The only conceivable purpose, as far as I've been able to see, is that of perpetuation & continuation; you live life just because. It at least seems to be the kind of purpose that most people are happy to accept and go along with, but that doesn't really fulfil me at all. It feels off. Always has. Always will.
Life only seems to know how to go on, and it doesn't even need a meaningful reason to, it seems. But a reason is the only thing I seem to cry out for. It's the only thing worth caring for. I don't care about attainment and status; possessions & comforts or whatever. I just want something that is unmistakable meaningful. In a nutshell: I guess I just want to be with someone who's real. Like a real human being. A person with a soul, and nothing, absolutely nothing else whatsoever.
Everywhere I look on this planet (and I'm just being 100% brutally honest and real), but I can see the underlying simplicity of everyday people's consciousness and their people ways, and it honestly makes me want to cry in frustration. There's just no love or compassion anywhere or in anything. Where's the soul in things? Where's the joy? Where's the conscious intent? It's like everybody's frozen in a trance.
I see people just shuffling along looking at their shoes, maundering from one activity to the next, but not really smelling the air around them or taking in their surroundings. It's just... bizarre, and it's kinda sad. I don't get it. But I'm the only one who can see it: this generalised mode of existence that permeates everything, and I can feel it everywhere I go; an automated scenery that never really changes or evolves. It's just there for me to exist within, but there's nobody or nothing on the other end of the line to connect with. There's only ever me.
There's just nothing. Nothing except humans doing their human things (which is perfectly fine and perfectly ok). There's nothing wrong or incorrect with it. And there's nothing wrong or incorrect with other people at all. It just depresses me - to see and be a part of. And be a part of it I must, it seems...
Never had a problem with life itself. But this whole being on earth thing is an absolute noodle-scratcher to me. I'm just not interested with what's on the menu of things to do on this planet, not interested in dancing with the tune of ordinary basic living... simply because, simply because that's what other people are doing.
I just want to meet a real person and do real things with this real person (it'd just be kinda nice that's all). I don't want any of earth's affectations or trinkets. I just don't care about life in that way. I need something with substance - with a heart and with a soul, and a mind. And I absolutely must be challenged. I want something/someone to shake me to my core.
The craziest, most insane thing of all, is that my lack of insecurity means I will absolutely never throw myself upon people in desperation, for them to notice me and validate me. Which means I'll go through this life unnoticed and unseen (and probably unappreciated). Such is the life of a proverbial quiet hero; doesn't do things for rewards, doesn't do things for attention or glory, but is absolutely f*cking real and sincere to the core - a person who would give his life for his enemies and his friends alike, without a moment's hesitation.
Mindless rant over.
*sigh*
Is anybody watching America's Got Talent at the weekend? : ) : )
31-35, M
