I Want To Write My Random Thoughts And Feelings
It's taken me a long time to accept and come to terms with my strengths and natural talents in life. I either played them down on purpose or I simply neglected them completely. But eventually, the repercussions of doing this rise to the surface, and you suddenly realise that you're living a painful lie, basically for other people - to just get along in the world with no fuss, annoyances or inconveniences. It's been a perpetual tug of war between me... and me.
I've always tried to downplay myself in this world because it always felt like I really didn't want or need attention from others, and I've always known that if I fully stepped into my 100% authentic self at certain times that it would draw attention where it really wasn't needed or required. My entire life up until now has been spent lurking under the radar of society, silently and casually going about my existence with others, but deep down harbouring an entire wellspring of untapped potential - oceans & oceans of knowledge and wisdom, and an absolutely indestructible core of integrity at the heart of it all. My soul is really as pure and rock solid as they come.
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My actual strengths are more of the creative and wild variety. I'm certainly not cut out for the mechanistic ways of everyday society with its constraints and limitations. Believe it or not, working in a regular job has actually been extremely difficult for me at times, because it feels like I have to condense my mind into a purely logical, A-B-C format - and my mind has absolutely no filters to it at all. It never has.
It's as if in order to function in this world I've had to learn how to effectively limit myself; so that I perform simple tasks in the tried and tested way that society is looking for, and also in order to have basic everyday conversations with people about mundane things. It's hard for me to just "let it go" and do certain things, unless I consciously tell myself to ignore all the other things I'm tapping into at the same time. It sounds silly to say, but my mind is absolutely off the charts in terms of being expansive and wide, and I say that in a perplexing sense, not an egotistical one..
Speaking of ego's, that has actually been a huge problem for me in life: I've always had a poor sense of who I actually was, and an even poorer sense of actually putting it across to others (I just never cared about myself in that way at all). I've always had a crazy degree of self-awareness, but not in any kind of external way at all. I'm almost oblivious to my own "me-ness". I only talk about myself unless people ask me, and even then I somehow struggle.
In the absence of having a clearly-defined self, there's a tendency to just "float" through life in an extremely carefree, child-like way. Which might sound great from an outside perspective, but it can be bewildering (and has been bewildering); to go through life with no clearly-defined self governing your actions, and to know that the sum of who you are is beyond commonly accepted ideas of identity and personality, and that things like your name, your age, and your life choices don't actually define **what** you are at all. Life on earth has only ever been difficult for me because of how most people on the planet generally are, and how our society is structured (or "strictured").
I could ramble all day... I think I might write about my creative strengths next..
I've always tried to downplay myself in this world because it always felt like I really didn't want or need attention from others, and I've always known that if I fully stepped into my 100% authentic self at certain times that it would draw attention where it really wasn't needed or required. My entire life up until now has been spent lurking under the radar of society, silently and casually going about my existence with others, but deep down harbouring an entire wellspring of untapped potential - oceans & oceans of knowledge and wisdom, and an absolutely indestructible core of integrity at the heart of it all. My soul is really as pure and rock solid as they come.
-
My actual strengths are more of the creative and wild variety. I'm certainly not cut out for the mechanistic ways of everyday society with its constraints and limitations. Believe it or not, working in a regular job has actually been extremely difficult for me at times, because it feels like I have to condense my mind into a purely logical, A-B-C format - and my mind has absolutely no filters to it at all. It never has.
It's as if in order to function in this world I've had to learn how to effectively limit myself; so that I perform simple tasks in the tried and tested way that society is looking for, and also in order to have basic everyday conversations with people about mundane things. It's hard for me to just "let it go" and do certain things, unless I consciously tell myself to ignore all the other things I'm tapping into at the same time. It sounds silly to say, but my mind is absolutely off the charts in terms of being expansive and wide, and I say that in a perplexing sense, not an egotistical one..
Speaking of ego's, that has actually been a huge problem for me in life: I've always had a poor sense of who I actually was, and an even poorer sense of actually putting it across to others (I just never cared about myself in that way at all). I've always had a crazy degree of self-awareness, but not in any kind of external way at all. I'm almost oblivious to my own "me-ness". I only talk about myself unless people ask me, and even then I somehow struggle.
In the absence of having a clearly-defined self, there's a tendency to just "float" through life in an extremely carefree, child-like way. Which might sound great from an outside perspective, but it can be bewildering (and has been bewildering); to go through life with no clearly-defined self governing your actions, and to know that the sum of who you are is beyond commonly accepted ideas of identity and personality, and that things like your name, your age, and your life choices don't actually define **what** you are at all. Life on earth has only ever been difficult for me because of how most people on the planet generally are, and how our society is structured (or "strictured").
I could ramble all day... I think I might write about my creative strengths next..
31-35, M