Serious question: I am attending therapy because of the abusive relationship

And I happened to notice after the relationship dissolved I do things like sweep the entire house and mop the entire house everyday

I freak out when the house gets disorderly and can’t do anything or function

I’m stressed as fvvk about the laundry not being done

It’s getting borderline compulsive

When I was a child I used to struggle with ocd and I would obsessively turn off switches and click my fingers and stuff. Idk but I’m afraid it’s creeping back

Now that I stopped biting my nails I find myself putting that “nervous” energy in other places

I just don’t really know if cleaning is a problem worth mentioning.

What are your (honest) thoughts? I know there’s a lot of women on this site who have been in abusive relationships. You women never seem to comment tho .. I’m more less specifically asking YOU. The ones who have been through it and survived. Tell me about the pain and suffering after. Nobody talks about it. I feel so alone

I’m genuinely sorry for being so whiney lately this is my only outlet other than therapy that I have. I have never been able to “do” “handle” “process” emotions.

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caccoon · 36-40

I was a big mess after mine for a few years, and elements of it are still around. I mostly struggled when there was any kind of conflict I was witnessing (but not involved in). I would just start shaking.

I mostly felt (and still sometimes feel) like I deserved it, or like I had done something wrong. And for a long time I was afraid he'd find me.

I was very apologetic a lot of the time. I am often afraid to look men in the eye still.

A few times a year, I will see someone that I think is him, and my brain totally makes his face over someone else's face. It's really fucking scary, and weird. It honestly doesn't sound real. It makes me panic and want to run.

Sorry, I feel like all of this is maybe unrelated

How long has it been since you've left him?

DeluxedEdition · 26-30, F

@caccoon I’m so happy you said all of that because I can relate so much. I’m glad you even said the part where you “sorry I feel like this is unrelated”
Because I understand exactly what you mean….

I can’t look men in the eyes and I notice a lot of people becoming frustrated with me because they think I’m not listening. Usually when he would look me in the eye I knew I was about to get a surprise attack. So looking people in the eyes is extremely invasive and intimidating for me

I do feel like I deserve it for being foolish enough to stay and tolerate it. Despite now understanding that many people make that same mistake I still can’t help but feel that way. Some women (my grandma) stay as long as 30 years.

I’m always scared because I feel like I’m in trouble at work or just in general (like with my parents) or the law.

Another thing I do now is I will make a post on social media (here or fb) and I feel stupid and ashamed and remove it

My family gets really upset because they’re like a gang on Facebook and they’re always tagging each other and me in stuff and can never find me. Because I deactivate so frequently. I do it to Snapchat and any social media I have basically

I feel like a fvvking awkward weirdo.

I officially broke up with him last year October. This January I got the restraining order finalized

caccoon · 36-40

@DeluxedEdition I'm happy it helped! It's such a fucked up thing, I don't know if it's like this for you but I often just feel like it wasn't that bad or something?? But it was so fucked up. But it makes me feel like, when I talk about it, that I shouldn't.

Yes, I know what you mean. Mine used to grab my arms and hold me in front of him and yell at me and force me to look at him. It scared the shit out of me, and most men are taller than me and when I look at them, it;s like a small and sharp panic and I need to look away. It almost feels electric (in a bad way). I hope people around you will be able to understand. <3 I know it's not an easy thing to explain to people really...

You don't deserve it. No one does. No one has a right to treat another person that way. He is the one that should be ashamed. I'm sorry about your grandma, too. :( I think many women grow up with a bad father figure and it can feel very normal for us, and we also tend to have more empathy for people that are struggling (and I do believe abusers are struggling too, but they have to want to get help for themselves), or pretending to struggle (as they also do this, at least mine did, because he knew it would win me over). They become good at it

:( Do you find you feel a lot of guilt? I feel LOTS of guilt and it's super displaced, and I don't remember having so much before. Mine would threaten to tell people things that would embarrass me, or call the cops on me (for stupid reasons that obviously wouldn't even get me in trouble). He would make me steal things with him, and then get really mad at me and say we're going to go to jail because of some mistake I made. He bred a lot of guilt into me

Oh yes, that is super fresh. <3 Be kind and gentle with yourself. If you explained to your friends and family, do you think they might understand? I totally fell off of all personal social media too after my relationship ended (five years ago), and I haven't been back. Too much shame

Thanks for letting me talk about this. I hope I don't seem too selfish sharing so much of my own details, but it's amazing how much overlap I feel with the things you write. It is hard to heal when someone who is supposed to love you treats you so poorly.

I am also afraid to really be in relationships now, because my last one I sabotaged from being too insane

DarkHeaven ·

@caccoon for you to, love. someone, some day will absolutely love you for you. I promise.

https://similarworlds.com/thoughts/personal-feelings/4240986-trigger-warning-We-all-have-insecurities-We-all

caccoon · 36-40

@DarkHeaven I will love me for me! ☺️

DarkHeaven ·

@caccoon Always that first. Yeah. 🖤🤗