I Have Something to Say

Overwhelmed by grief.. bitterness.. and a darkening sense of lonliness.

I really really don't know why I think these things. But, they all can rest easy if I leave right now.

She found someone else. So I don't need to stick around any more. And the last flame has been blown out; your last wish.. shall be granted.

There is nobody else out there for me. Not because they aren't compatible with me, nor because they won't love, but because your dying breath breathed life into the chains that bind me to that vow. But in keeping that vow from now.. a life without her.. without you. Holds no meaning. Nothing. I feel empty now. And nothing can re-light this candle.

I have so many accomplices.. but so few friends. And noone that I could trust to even begin to comprehend me.

If you're going to send comments telling me to grow up or kill myself or its not the end of the world.. I've heard them all millions of times. Don't waste your time any more than you have wasted reading all of my trash.

This page is a permanent link to the reply below and its nested replies. See all post replies »

kayoshin · 36-40, M

That's cute, poetic like. Time will help or it won't, just don't look back too much people are biologically hardwired to forget bad things and remember Good things (that's what makes us recover from traumatic events) but the flaw in this mechanism is we idealise things the more time passes (think about old people always praising the Good old days) you will put this woman on a pedestal that no real woman can reach not even herself and it will cause you misery. Try to accept the end, accept her flaws and her choices, realise there is someone better out there not necessarily better than her but better than her for you. Don't let a failed romance overshadow your future romances or you might just stare happiness in the eyes and give it a pass because you are hanging on to a dead dream.

Samael

I've accepted the end. It's all too easy to stare failure in the face and say yes, that happened. The difficult part is to find your bearings afterwards.

I'd rather avoid romances now. Not because it could give me happiness, but because of the type of person I am. I just cannot be trusted as a person, on that level.

kayoshin · 36-40, M

It's not quite what I meant by accepting the end but I understand the need not to jump back in. As someone who thinks the same way about themselves I have one advice though: wether you are or are not to be trusted is not your decision to make let whoever wants to be with you decide what risks they want to take don't make their judgement calls for them you might be too hard on yourself and missing out.

Samael

@kayoshin: I'm convinced that whatever it is that I'd be missing out on isn't worth the trouble. If I had to choose between living a life on a rollercoaster or in a remote abyss, I'd take the latter.

Sorry, the feeling hits hard, and there is no light that could brighten my day right now; no advice that I could take to heart right now either.

kayoshin · 36-40, M

Taking things a little on the dramatic edge there. Life is a rollercoaster yes but it's really the kiddie one that doesnt even need seatbelts most of the time so don't be so worried about it you already went over the big drop It's never gonna be such a big fall again.

Samael

@kayoshin: You never know when the "big drop" comes until the ride's over. 'Cause lord knows how many more "drops" can come along in the years to come, assuming that's how much time I have left.

But no, I'm not worried about anything that much. Like I said above, I just feel empty, save for the feelings of grief, bitterness and loneliness.

kayoshin · 36-40, M

Actually you can know no other big drop comes (in the love area I mean), since you say this was such a devastating love anything that comes won't raise to the same level therefore you will drop from a lower level. Less expectations means less grave disappointments'. The more you repeat an action the less dramatic it gets that's what I meant.

Samael

Ah, yeah, I can understand the logic. But I've no concern in that area any more. As I've said. I am now bound to where I stand. Romance is a beautiful thing for many, but a pointless pursuit for me. If I pursued it again now, it would only lead to an overbearing amount of guilt in breaking a promise I vowed to keep. Twice was my limit, and twice it didn't work out. I'm done with it; living single, without anyone to depend on but myself (emotionally speaking)

kayoshin · 36-40, M

What promise if not too indescrete?

Samael

If I mentioned it, many would scoff at me. What kind of person would even 'agree' to keep such a promise - well, obviously me. So, I will not be disclosing it. Sorry.

kayoshin · 36-40, M

OK, you take care and try to take things a little lighter, the world doesn't need more martyrs :)