We’ve been together for 17 years and I’m only now seeing who he really is.

@Iwillwait he works so he's the provider in the family. Do I have to thank him every single time he does those? The question is, what does he expect from us? It feels like we are strangers and we owe him a lot. I also do my part as a wife and mother of the kids I don’t need a thank you for that.

@GunFinger Maybe its more about ignoring the social expectations, and seeing the person inside?

Sometimes i think you put a lot of pressure on yourself coz you are trying to do the whole mother/carer/wife/house maintainer thing, and thusly put the whole provider/husband/life builder thing on him...

....when this isnt everything either of you are defined to be.

And in truth....i think this is something that kills relationships.


We get lost in the whole "these are your duties, and these are mine"..... when - you're both in it together as a team....a partnership🤷‍♀

@OogieBoogie I know it shouldn't be his and hers in a relationship, but when he does things he feels the need to enumerate so I could thank him. He also stresses to us that he works 14-16hours a day. What should I do? I also do my part as a wife and a mother, but I never seek for reassurance or validation because it's my job.

@GunFinger Honestly?

If he's already working 14 hours a day.... and needing to do all the other stuff - id just thank him.

I know its all a matter of perspective, but not all men are good providers.

Besides..... imagine if you do compliment him.... what's he gonna do ?
Smile?
Feel worthy?
Feel appreciated?
Feel validated as a man?

Maybe its one of those things that you could treat as a 'lead by example thing'?

Model gratitude in front of your kids.
Give him appreciation.
Use it on your children?

Its a known thing 'you catch more flies with honey than vinegar'.

Perhaps treat it as 'positive reinforcement' behavioral conditioning 😂

Maybe itll rub off, and you'll get some back and it becomes a win,win 🤗?

@OogieBoogie yes, we all do thank him when he does them because it seems like he asks for them. If not, I cook for him, make his coffee, do things a wife and a mother do because I believe actions speak louder.

@GunFinger That may be a emotional maturity thing or security. Perhaps he is needing some sort of validation that he matters, do you provide positive feedback and encouragement? Do you priase him, and show him appreciation for the life you have together? Does he praise you and show you appreciation?

Perhaps both of you are missing some important Love Language items of one another...

@Iwillwait yes, he always needs validation so I always praise him for the things he's done and tell the truth when I need to.