I feel this and am very sorry you’re in that state. It displaces you in a way. It’s something that makes you feel alien in your own body. I don’t write about it either or breathe it into life if I can help it because it makes it too real. And to feel that on top of everything else. It’s just too much sometimes.
I wish I had answers for you. When I’m in a weakened state, I try to disconnect from the depression, the anxiety, the helplessness the best I can through a ton of distractions and flat out refusing to acknowledge it exists, but those beasts make sure they’re not forgotten. They have their ways about them and just when you’re nice and settled in the okay state you’ve created for yourself, they hit you in the gut or sweep your legs out from under you reminding you that safe is an illusion. It’s heartbreaking and so very exhausting. I do know to truly lessen their power is to take them on at their source. Not everyone is in a place to take that war on though. So until that moment comes it’s all about getting from one breath to the next. One minute to the next. That’s what I focus on achieving and it gets me by for the most part. Until it doesn’t. That’s when I know it’s time to make myself go into the depths. I give that darkness all of my focus and shut the door on any extra outside weight, and I sit there with it being unafraid of it. Because all it is…is me. It’s the wounded me and it’s dying for attention. That’s why it’s coming forth so powerfully. So I give it attention. Even if it’s just sitting with it. Acknowledging it exists so it’ll be less prone to act out. At its core, it’s not a means to defeat you…it’s a means for you to learn how to heal yourself. Forgive yourself. Love yourself, imperfections and all. Give it the attention you can and then use your strength to leave it. Because it doesn’t get to steal all of your time and energy. You have a life to live in the light outside of that darkness. And you deserve to live it.
That’s a lot of words about my experience with it and I apologize for that. I really wanted to let you know that even though everyone is different in their journey, you’re not alone in what you’re feeling. All of this can be ignored, except this last part. Keep it with you.
Be patient with yourself and most importantly, be giving to the you that’s deep within hurting. It’s been hurting for some time and has let it’s lostness turn into the only thing it knows. Find it when you can and hold its hand to let it know it’s not alone. That you’re not alone and that you can and will heal from the things we don’t like to speak of. And in case it’s been forgotten…You’re stronger than you think.
