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plantbased · 61-69, M
is it because we are on these type of media, like SM, we are thinking and communicating through keyboards we have lost the talk ability, does your voice seem strange when you use it...many who live alone talk to themselves, I do this, just to hear a voice......yet I meet people almost everyday.....sharing who you are is very important I find with someone who can listen.....I need this echo of another....
Kerennya · 51-55, F
@Jake: Oh, yay! That makes you the kind of person I'm hoping to connect with. I was on Experience Project (EP) before I came here, and I'd characterize my conversations with men there and here as follows:
~40-50% wanted to talk sex without relationship, sometimes with a pretense of talking about sex in a interesting conversational way, but it always led to unwanted sexually explicit talk. I learned how to use the "block feature" when things got to that point!
~40-45% were looking for romance. I understand that's a strong need that people have, but just NOT what I'm looking for. And I would tell some of these men this as clearly as I knew how, they said they respected that, then they proceeded to keep interviewing me as for the position of their soulmate. I was like, [i]"Huh?"[/i] And that's when I decided to only chat via PM with men who will interact with me via posts first. That's been a good move and eliminated a lot of unwanted nonsense.
<5% were interested in actual adult conversation - and I really enjoyed those conversations a lot. I've only met one man like that so far on SW, with two from last night being maybes.
How about you? Did you used to be on EP? If not, how did you find SW?
~40-50% wanted to talk sex without relationship, sometimes with a pretense of talking about sex in a interesting conversational way, but it always led to unwanted sexually explicit talk. I learned how to use the "block feature" when things got to that point!
~40-45% were looking for romance. I understand that's a strong need that people have, but just NOT what I'm looking for. And I would tell some of these men this as clearly as I knew how, they said they respected that, then they proceeded to keep interviewing me as for the position of their soulmate. I was like, [i]"Huh?"[/i] And that's when I decided to only chat via PM with men who will interact with me via posts first. That's been a good move and eliminated a lot of unwanted nonsense.
<5% were interested in actual adult conversation - and I really enjoyed those conversations a lot. I've only met one man like that so far on SW, with two from last night being maybes.
How about you? Did you used to be on EP? If not, how did you find SW?
Kerennya · 51-55, F
@Jake: Well, thanks for 'listening'!
And you're right - poor listening skills aren't limited to only one gender. I value listening, but am aware that there are times when I'm not as good at it as I'd like to be, like when I'm extra tired or feeling especially lonely.
Intimate relationships seem terribly messed up to me. I see lots and lots of bad examples, and not very many bright(er) ones. I think everyone probably struggles in their intimate relationships, but too many people not really understanding what it takes to make a relationship last, or too hard-headed to embrace the change that it takes. Obviously, it takes two people to make one work, but I've come to the conclusion that the only truly blameless person is one who busts their tail to win the other person over with love - and most of us stop far short of that point.
As to topics like the 'language of apology' and shame vs. resentment, I love stuff like that, so I'll keep posting. Thank you for the encouragement! :)
And you're right - poor listening skills aren't limited to only one gender. I value listening, but am aware that there are times when I'm not as good at it as I'd like to be, like when I'm extra tired or feeling especially lonely.
Intimate relationships seem terribly messed up to me. I see lots and lots of bad examples, and not very many bright(er) ones. I think everyone probably struggles in their intimate relationships, but too many people not really understanding what it takes to make a relationship last, or too hard-headed to embrace the change that it takes. Obviously, it takes two people to make one work, but I've come to the conclusion that the only truly blameless person is one who busts their tail to win the other person over with love - and most of us stop far short of that point.
As to topics like the 'language of apology' and shame vs. resentment, I love stuff like that, so I'll keep posting. Thank you for the encouragement! :)
JakeShade · 61-69, M
I did discover deeper in your stories/comments that you live alone (in case you think I wasn't listening to you!)...
I know that many men ARE very bad about not listening to women. (e.g. the stories in Rebecca Solnit's "Men Explain Things to me"...
I"m sorry your experience with (your brother?) has lead you to believe that all men are prone to behave this way. Or perhaps you have more data points, which isn't surprising. Many women, including my own sister, have demonstrated to me that *women* can be poor listeners too.
I agree that not having an intimate relationship is a valid alternative to having a *bad* one!
I'm interested in your thread(s) about the "language of apology" and about shame vs resentment.
Keep it coming!
I know that many men ARE very bad about not listening to women. (e.g. the stories in Rebecca Solnit's "Men Explain Things to me"...
I"m sorry your experience with (your brother?) has lead you to believe that all men are prone to behave this way. Or perhaps you have more data points, which isn't surprising. Many women, including my own sister, have demonstrated to me that *women* can be poor listeners too.
I agree that not having an intimate relationship is a valid alternative to having a *bad* one!
I'm interested in your thread(s) about the "language of apology" and about shame vs resentment.
Keep it coming!
Kerennya · 51-55, F
I'm not in an intimate relationship and have no plans to be in one - when I look at the good in that kind of relationship vs. the bad, there's not enough of the right kind of good, NOTHING at all that feels like love to me, and way too much bad with no way to get past it, so just not worth it. But I do have a family member who treats me with absolutely zero consideration for how I want to be treated and has been that way for my entire life - which is where that comment comes from. Thankfully, I don't have to live with him, and I've figured out how to limit the worst of his bad behaviors. But it's hard not to assume that that kind of behavior is all I'm going to find, especially with men.
JakeShade · 61-69, M
did you say something?
No, seriously... I'm just now recovering from a relationship where my partner quit showing *any* interest in anything I had to say... She was (is) a strong narcissist, and as I came to realize the implications of that, it has been easier. Since we split, I'm amazed how many people actually take an interest in what I have to say!
No, seriously... I'm just now recovering from a relationship where my partner quit showing *any* interest in anything I had to say... She was (is) a strong narcissist, and as I came to realize the implications of that, it has been easier. Since we split, I'm amazed how many people actually take an interest in what I have to say!
JakeShade · 61-69, M
actually I've never had that much trouble believing people were interested in what I had to say, but I do know that not having that from your intimate partner is very mind-bending, and NOT in a good way. Sounds like maybe YOU are suffering from your own version of that?
JakeShade · 61-69, M
@K ... I agree that most intimate relationships go off the rails at some point, if not right from the start, then eventually. A few get shaky then find their center though.
I seek intimacy with others (not just romance or sex) because it teaches me new things about myself and helps me grow/evolve.
I seek intimacy with others (not just romance or sex) because it teaches me new things about myself and helps me grow/evolve.
Kerennya · 51-55, F
@Jake: I'm sorry you had that experience. Being in a relationship without mutuality is really awful. I'm glad you are finding more people out there who are interested in what you have to say!