I Have Something to Say

I wonder why humans have the need to change other people. Why? Someone once told me that the world was shit and the people in it were crap, that it's always been that way we just try to be civil about it, but there always going to be a few people who deny social laws and treat others like dirt. Recently I almost believed that after my parents were almost killed, fortunately they came home alive. However that got me thinking about me. Was I a shitty person too? I probably am.
However it nearly broke my heart when someone important told me they were on the verge of giving up on me, mainly because it makes me want to give up on myself. But I also don't want to. I do want to keep fighting for what makes me me, but it's pretty damn hard.
So this is what I have to say; I hate me, just as much or even more than some others do. But you know what, I had to do what I had to do, and got through what I did to become who I am right now. The person I am makes me want to scream, she has made me want to die, she has made me cut myself and rely on self-harm. People tell me I'm a screw up, but I could have been worse. I could have been a drug addict, I could have been an alcoholic, I could have been a whore. So in the end, even though I hate me, I don't regret it. I've tried so hard to avoid becoming someone I would hate even more. Even though I hate me, it's better that I am who I am now, because if I'm cutting now, there is no doubt in my mind that if I had been some else I'd already be dead. And although people are always trying to change me, I don't want to change, not for them. I'll change to become a better me, not to be molded into their ideal person. I'm just trying to be a me I don't dislike and have no regrets. Thank you all who read this long ass post.

pianoisland · 31-35, M

Going to the depths of human despair is rather empowering. Not only does it give you a more holistic perspective on the world, but it also allows you to fully understand yourself. People always try to influence people in the direction of their world ideas, but fail to realize we all grow up in separate worlds that exist in the same one, this is because their world's "best" is the only "best" they know of, and believe that since you are in their life, you are in their world, and thus must adhere to what is "best" in their world.

I sense you may be starting to realize these things to some degree since you are motivated to become a better you, and not rely on someone else's idea of a better you. It is good that you have no regrets as well. I wish you well, and if you ever want to talk to someone who has triumphed over depression, suicide, and family opposition I am always here to talk.