I wish I knew why I can't stop looking for external validation...

I don't need much attention, I'm pleasantly used to being left out, ignored and invisible. It's something I accepted a long time ago. I'm mostly grateful because often it keeps me away from drama.

Was it losing my family?

And why did it piss people off that I was sad?

Why did people start to dislike me because I vocalized my hurt instead of stuffing it down, which btw, nobody encouraged either?

And why do I keep going to people and places that clearly don't care if I'm there?

Why can't I turn my phone off and give up?

I think because human connection means more to me now than it ever did.

And for that I feel shunned. Ignored when I'm asking not to be.

I want the choice to be alone to come in peace, not me throwing in the towel. And I think I've settled for cheap validation. Meaningless connections to people who don't even know me or care to share.

I'm a bit short on time and energy also, so I can take half the blame. But it's the loss and the loneliness that has taken its toll on me. It's real, it's not imagined. I've got the diagnosis lol I've gone through years of testing and therapies/treatments.

The one thing I need is the one thing nobody can help me with. It's the thing I've run out of energy trying to find. It's the thing I just can't do alone. But not having much to give, I guess I don't deserve. Not only all that, but we live in a time where hate is excusable but being genuine is repulsive.

I want to let go. I want to be alone but I know it doesn't work that way. I can feel it deeply, the loss I have suffered is substantial. But that was never a reason to be loved or helped. I don't understand, but I can accept it, but it hurts.