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3:33pm / 03.03.23

I got this thought today so I've to write out urgently today, it's not terrible
Well when I was small life was so hard , it's no any better now either , to live one more day was such a big thing, can clearly remember how hard those days were, I was so so small but life was so hell, so always just those thoughts of self destruction attacked me
Be nine ten whatever just passing months then one year it was always and it's always a big triumph for me , just to live is the biggest achievement , continuing living, it seems now as if I've lived very very long , longer than I had ever thought in childhood, twenty years it's just an amazing number, I could never think of living this long years, it's really very long for me , I'm surprised with myself , it's more than twenty one fifth of a hundred like my dear God it's more than two decades so it's a big blessing
I've no idea now how long can carry on or hoow long I'm fated to live just it's same as always
Birth live for a period then die it's an escape
First born to pain then doesn't matter just escape this painful world when destined to
That pretty kuch summarises life for me only
Nothing to celebrate if die just it'll be celebration for me just happy to leave
Enough of pain just enough of everything
So it's this day today
I had to enter a date somewhere and while writing I noticed this pattern felt something
3/3/23 also it was a coincidence 3:33 on my clock so just it hit me will I see the date 3/3/33
On calender ever or not
It's not exciting to live for me but if I'll see back if I live then I can't say what I'll feel now
What would be the situation then
How much changes or not
So many things
I can't summarise here anyway even a mere zero point one percent
I just can't and if alive will be thirty two by tehen and it just feels Insane to live that long
Like God what'll I do living , I feel this life in vain only can pray and they say life should be big not long whatever and my life is never going to be big it's just a waste for humanity I'm just a waste only I feel that always I tjink like that always so deserve death soon just why to live so long in vain no need to just what to say more just really can't summarise and just what I wish the most is for all my people all I love close all bad good should stay happy healthy satisfied with me if possible and nothing can I say or wish more just all should be ok and nothing for me if I live I'll see and I'll be surprised for sure ofcourse I'll be because I don't think I can pass even this year or three five six nine years just so long even now passing three months feels difficult not so easy in that case pass days near thirty always then six nine then twelve months like what it's so long then a year one by one year adding some more years but why and how to live you know how much pain I'm in why should I live then but it's Your plan afterall so brutal it feels just still 3¶|™
Raaii · 18-21, F
comment to edit here : just whatever it's I don't want to continue anytime
I'll probably post it somewhere else for future reference to see but please don't have much hope from someone misearable like me ever just don't think of me ignore me and for me I've given up on myself just so long long ago longer than anyone can imagine of just I'm dead living since I was a child just enough I had then can't explain just nothing can compensate any pain have gone through and I struggle hard to bs positive mostly so let this all go never be serious about me future and be sad it's all enough already no need dear ones have seen enough suffered enough Given enough gotten enough just no good vibe now but gl stl

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