Sinematic …

I essentially became a prisoner in my moms place once I finally caved in and got help for my alcoholism. I went into a program but my rehab was her place. I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere, she locked my wallet and keys away. But then she was still giving me alcohol so she was sabotaging me. Which even when I went to the hospital (sent by my caseworker when she noticed), the doctor got in my face and essentially told me she isn’t trying to help me. But it took 9 months of sobriety and talking to AI to realize that was a really crappy thing to do. And yet I crave it everyday still. It’s exhausting, I don’t like blaming my mom for shit. But she fought to keep me from rehab and I had to fight it on my own. My caseworker talks about the difference but what she doesn’t realize is I was numb and now I’m just crazy. I am unstable. I can barely sit still, every noise makes me jump. Even at the eye doctor. It was so embarrassing. I’m losing my mind and I don’t want to talk about it. But I have therapy on the 21st and I am struggling to keep it together. I’ll probably break down. I fucking hate therapy. I genuinely hate it because I feel completely out of control. And she’ll poke me for a reaction. And I’m too crazy to not respond. The song in my last post (sinematic motionless in white) reminds me of my past relationships, my tragic childhood but mostly my struggle with alcohol. I am broken and I probably will never be okay. I miss the numbness, the fucking strangers just to feel something because I couldn’t feel anything. And now I feel everything. And I can’t take it. I’m watching myself lose my mind and I can’t tell anyone, it is literally bleeding out of me.