Random thoughts- sabotaging sobriety
So I know people say oh you’re an adult etc. but I just want to explain this because now it’s also crossing my mind. When I really started struggling with alcoholism, my mother didn’t care until I forced myself to get help. I was drunk driving everyday and she knew that. So after I finally decided to get help, she started claiming I’m going to go through withdrawal (even way past the time I’d be in withdrawal) so I need alcohol still just not as much. She bought a ton of it and I was getting so drunk (she was portioning it) that my caseworker forced me to go to the hospital. The doctor told me anyone giving you alcohol is harming you not helping. He literally put his hand on my shoulder, got right in my face. He was so angry at her. When I finally was able to quit, my mother started giving me her drugs. Which I also chose to stop. But what I’m saying is it appears she actively tried to sabotage my recovery and I had no idea.
She would tell me I needed to sleep in her bed so she could make sure I’m ok and shit and I’m 29 years old. Lol and I don’t know why I did. I think that’s why, my brain is so good at blocking this shit out that I genuinely can’t remember but I know I was for a long time and I’m disgusted at myself. Because I should be old enough to have walked out into the cold and slept in a parking lot like that’s just weird. If it’s not weird to you, don’t tell me your experience cause it’ll just trigger me. I think she actively tried to destroy my life that’s how I feel. And like I said, only me. She told me without her I’d just be an addict and I’m lucky I have her. Actually I’m the one that chose to get help. I’m not saying I’m not grateful for being here but I think she used me because my dad was such a shit husband and always was. She treated me and always did like property rather than her son. I wasn’t allowed boundaries like my brothers were, I wasn’t treated with respect.
And I think even now she actively tried to sabotage my recovery. She told me not to tell anyone about the drugs, and she instantly hated everyone in my program, they were all bad. I never told anyone but honestly the little “I’m the best mother” shit she plays is old. Sorry if that pisses anyone off lol trust me I’ve spent my life always blaming myself but I’m looking back and thinking yea those things as a kid shouldn’t have happened and you see how damaged I am and still don’t give a shit. lol she still breaks down the bathroom when I’m bathing, stares at me when I yell to get out. Oh it’s my house I can do what I want. That’s true. Your house but I help pay your bills like I’m not just a pos and I don’t want to be here. But when I’m gone who blows up my phone? Because your property can’t actually leave the way my brothers did. Well I will be. And soon. But then she’ll tell me she doesn’t want me to work (I’m serious)
She would tell me I needed to sleep in her bed so she could make sure I’m ok and shit and I’m 29 years old. Lol and I don’t know why I did. I think that’s why, my brain is so good at blocking this shit out that I genuinely can’t remember but I know I was for a long time and I’m disgusted at myself. Because I should be old enough to have walked out into the cold and slept in a parking lot like that’s just weird. If it’s not weird to you, don’t tell me your experience cause it’ll just trigger me. I think she actively tried to destroy my life that’s how I feel. And like I said, only me. She told me without her I’d just be an addict and I’m lucky I have her. Actually I’m the one that chose to get help. I’m not saying I’m not grateful for being here but I think she used me because my dad was such a shit husband and always was. She treated me and always did like property rather than her son. I wasn’t allowed boundaries like my brothers were, I wasn’t treated with respect.
And I think even now she actively tried to sabotage my recovery. She told me not to tell anyone about the drugs, and she instantly hated everyone in my program, they were all bad. I never told anyone but honestly the little “I’m the best mother” shit she plays is old. Sorry if that pisses anyone off lol trust me I’ve spent my life always blaming myself but I’m looking back and thinking yea those things as a kid shouldn’t have happened and you see how damaged I am and still don’t give a shit. lol she still breaks down the bathroom when I’m bathing, stares at me when I yell to get out. Oh it’s my house I can do what I want. That’s true. Your house but I help pay your bills like I’m not just a pos and I don’t want to be here. But when I’m gone who blows up my phone? Because your property can’t actually leave the way my brothers did. Well I will be. And soon. But then she’ll tell me she doesn’t want me to work (I’m serious)
26-30, M