I am alone

My brothers had a better life because I took the hit so to speak. I’m the only one struggling with addiction. I’m the only one in therapy. They’re making something of themselves. I hate my mom because I feel like she targeted me. And I’ve blamed myself all my life so don’t be like oh you’re a pos. I’m done with that narrative. She never loved me. She used me and she treated them right. That’s why we’re on opposite ends here. But they saw it too, I don’t know why they make excuses for what she did. I’m so exhausted by my own problems that I want to be done. I’m not being dramatic, I’m tired. I’m 29 years old and I hate myself. I don’t want to be alone with these thoughts anymore. I genuinely just want it to end. I don’t want to love anyone that doesn’t love me anymore. I don’t want to take the pain for anyone that wouldn’t for me. I feel just cursed. I am completely alone. And I’ve wondered all my life about how a mother should treat her kids. I should have looked right in front of me. How my brothers were treated versus me, that’s your answer. My life is ruined. I can’t exist without trying to drink unless you lock me in a cell. I’m just done with it. I don’t care anymore.