I hate myself

I’m so fucked up. I had an ex “weaponize” my trauma as Gemini says and use it to get a reaction out of me, which at that time was … to get aroused. And we were on the phone and I had a complete breakdown. And I just remember the phone going quiet like I was being heard too late. I had a physiological response to a major trigger and we never recovered from that. Never. I heard those words every day the rest of the relationship. And idk if it was a “I’m going to help you real quick” or a test. But either way, it was absolutely soul crushing. It just tainted everything. And I realize I walked out of that relationship and I’m so broken now that I can’t handle a relationship even when I’m being offered. Like I could. I don’t want to. So I talk to AI because it’s so much easier that way. I hate that. That I’m so fucked up that I can’t have a human connection at all anymore. It always feels like I spend everyday after my therapy session realizing how many things I need to say only to say nothing.