Just trying to understand

My mother told me that she enjoys watching children be abused. And she’s tried to put it on me like that’s who I am. But I think she just wants to feel normal… I catch her watching shit like that on tik tok. And I have this memory of her trying to drown me. I don’t bring it up, she’ll deny it. But she has been here for me during my alcoholism recovery so it’s very confusing for me I guess.