i know i have been joking all night and stuff but, serious question

have any of you grown up in homes so fcked up that you crave getting bodily beaten? i know i sound CRAZY saying that, but my body like..remembers the chaos, and i crave it 😪

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kodiac · 22-25, M

I think living like that we don't really crave beating ,we crave normal and in the upside down world of child abuse normal becomes anything that is consistent at least for me it was . Life constantly changed minute to minute, one day no abuse but knowing tomorrow could be different . One day in this foster home next day a different one . Going from the i'm sorry to the you deserve it ,nothing stayed the same . Even though it sucked it was the only thing in my world that didn't change . It became normal. This probably makes no sense it's hard to explain .

foldedunfolding · 41-45, F

@kodiac i was hoping you would show up, but didnt want to tag you. i wasnt physically beaten like a lot of people were..but i was dragged and rushed and my dad attempted to throw me down the stairs and pull me out on the side of hwy traffic to walk miles home, and sleep outside, and they made me homeless after i was raped of my virginity..just a lot of fcky stuff..im 40 and they still find ways. there was a lot of screaming and just roiling turmoil, and now my house is so quiet. it feels so strange.

kodiac · 22-25, M

@foldedunfolding I understand ,i still don't really know how to live what people call a normal life . It's crazy but when i finally got what i always wanted it scares me almost as much as what i wanted to escape from . This quiet truama free world seems so foreign to me .

foldedunfolding · 41-45, F

@kodiac yes..i feel so disconnected from this earth. i dont understand how to accept love. i want someone who yells at me and mistreats me almost. like..i dont, but i do! it is what i KNOW.

kodiac · 22-25, M

@foldedunfolding I don't trust love ,it's always been used against me. Like you i'm afraid people will not understand but i miss being important ,if stuff i did made so much trouble i must be important, i guess i decided i'd rather be hurt than be invisible. Those feelings are so hard to understand when your a child and sex abuse is involved.

foldedunfolding · 41-45, F

@kodiac fck man, i am so sorry. i get it though, in my own way. like..i was the scapegoat of my family..but bad publicity is better than no publicity?

kodiac · 22-25, M

@foldedunfolding Exactly at least for a while.