I told ChatGPT to explain why pandas suck at surviving in the style of a Trump speech at one of his rallies, and omg it is BIGLY TREMENDOUS
“Folks, let me tell you about the panda. Total disaster. Total. You wouldn’t believe it.”
We’re talking about an animal—supposed to be a bear, right? Big, strong? Nope. These guys, they eat bamboo. That’s it. Not even good bamboo. Just the cheapest stuff they can find. Low energy, no protein—terrible diet, folks. If pandas ran a restaurant, it would go out of business in a week. Just bamboo, bamboo, bamboo. No steak, no burgers—just grass sticks. Sad!
“And the sex life? Embarrassing.”
They get two days a year to mate. Two! And they still blow it. You put a male and a female panda in a room, play some romantic music, light a candle… nothing happens! They look at each other like, “What are we doing here?”
They have no idea. Worst libido I’ve ever seen. Even Sleepy Joe has more action than these pandas, and that’s saying something.
“The babies? The worst.”
Tiny, weak, pathetic. They come out looking like a pink Tic Tac. You could sneeze and kill one. Sometimes the mama sits on them—just squishes them flat. And if there are two? She picks one and says “You’re the favorite,” and forgets the other one exists. Brutal. No loyalty. Honestly, I respect the move. Very alpha.
“They don’t do anything!”
They eat. They sleep. They poop. And then they repeat. That’s it! No job, no ambition. You know who else lives like that? People in blue states on welfare. I said it. I’m just being honest!
“You wanna talk about losers?”
They can’t adapt. Can’t move. If their bamboo runs out—just 20 feet away—they’re like “Welp, guess I’ll starve.”
No hustle, no grind. America wouldn’t last a day if we had pandas in charge. We’d be speaking Mandarin already!
“And let me tell you something, folks: if it weren’t for us—HUMANS, the greatest species on Earth—these pandas would be long gone.”
Extinct! Gone like Hillary’s emails. But we keep them alive. Why? Because they’re cute. That’s it! We spend millions—MILLIONS—just to keep them sitting around doing nothing. It’s like running California.
“Final point: Pandas? Not winners. We love them, but let’s be real. Total freeloaders.”
If evolution was a competition—which it is—pandas are losing. Big league.
Thank you. God bless you, and God bless the incredible animals that actually try. Like sharks. Tremendous sharks.
________________________________________
I think regardless of your or my opinion on Trump, we can all appreciate a Trump speech on pandas’ utter failure to evolve correctly. Like seriously they’d be long fucking extinct if it weren’t for human intervention. Unlike sharks.
We’re talking about an animal—supposed to be a bear, right? Big, strong? Nope. These guys, they eat bamboo. That’s it. Not even good bamboo. Just the cheapest stuff they can find. Low energy, no protein—terrible diet, folks. If pandas ran a restaurant, it would go out of business in a week. Just bamboo, bamboo, bamboo. No steak, no burgers—just grass sticks. Sad!
“And the sex life? Embarrassing.”
They get two days a year to mate. Two! And they still blow it. You put a male and a female panda in a room, play some romantic music, light a candle… nothing happens! They look at each other like, “What are we doing here?”
They have no idea. Worst libido I’ve ever seen. Even Sleepy Joe has more action than these pandas, and that’s saying something.
“The babies? The worst.”
Tiny, weak, pathetic. They come out looking like a pink Tic Tac. You could sneeze and kill one. Sometimes the mama sits on them—just squishes them flat. And if there are two? She picks one and says “You’re the favorite,” and forgets the other one exists. Brutal. No loyalty. Honestly, I respect the move. Very alpha.
“They don’t do anything!”
They eat. They sleep. They poop. And then they repeat. That’s it! No job, no ambition. You know who else lives like that? People in blue states on welfare. I said it. I’m just being honest!
“You wanna talk about losers?”
They can’t adapt. Can’t move. If their bamboo runs out—just 20 feet away—they’re like “Welp, guess I’ll starve.”
No hustle, no grind. America wouldn’t last a day if we had pandas in charge. We’d be speaking Mandarin already!
“And let me tell you something, folks: if it weren’t for us—HUMANS, the greatest species on Earth—these pandas would be long gone.”
Extinct! Gone like Hillary’s emails. But we keep them alive. Why? Because they’re cute. That’s it! We spend millions—MILLIONS—just to keep them sitting around doing nothing. It’s like running California.
“Final point: Pandas? Not winners. We love them, but let’s be real. Total freeloaders.”
If evolution was a competition—which it is—pandas are losing. Big league.
Thank you. God bless you, and God bless the incredible animals that actually try. Like sharks. Tremendous sharks.
________________________________________
I think regardless of your or my opinion on Trump, we can all appreciate a Trump speech on pandas’ utter failure to evolve correctly. Like seriously they’d be long fucking extinct if it weren’t for human intervention. Unlike sharks.
