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Perhaps the things I believed I wanted were never real.

A welcoming home with people stopping by to chat and drink coffee/tea. The kind of partner that does thoughtful things and genuinely loves me. To make people smile and laugh. A job that pays a livable wage doing something related to my college major. A community that shared and cared.

I tried very hard for these things. To earn them, to build them, to be them so my care would turn into joy and safety.

I'm starting to wonder if it was a silly fantasy. I never expected perfect, never believed there wouldn't be hardship. But I have accomplished basically nothing. What I built wasn't strong enough. I guess I didn't genuinely earn anything.

These are my waking thoughts...

Another day to get through. Another day of pretending to be something I'm not because I couldn't accomplish my goals and now live a life I don't agree with. Naively believing I deserved a little good.

I feel like a bad person. Maybe I always was, and I was trying not to be. Maybe I had some bad luck. Regardless, I'm losing all hope. I simply want to leave enough behind so my son has a good start.

Forty one years ago I was brought into this world. I used to know what for. I bet my Mom would be so sad I feel this way, I know she wanted a child so badly, I just don't know if she wanted me.
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A welcoming home with people stopping by to chat and drink coffee/tea. The kind of partner that does thoughtful things and genuinely loves me. To make people smile and laugh. A job that pays a livable wage doing something related to my college major. A community that shared and cared.

I tried very hard for these things. To earn them, to build them, to be them so my care would turn into joy and safety.

I'm starting to wonder if it was a silly fantasy. I never expected perfect, never believed there wouldn't be hardship. But I have accomplished basically nothing. What I built wasn't strong enough. I guess I didn't genuinely earn anything.
✔💯 for me too.

Happy Birthday.
I hope you find peace and joy with your son, in your soon to be new home.

It's nice to know you can leave and start fresh.
Beginnings are magical :) !
being · 36-40, F
Happy birthday love 🤗❤ you're cool to my eyes but I can understand also how you're in this period of seeing yourself like that and reflecting, it usually hits, these kind of reflections, near our birthdays.
I hope you got to eat some cake and blow a candle or two. Kiss
Orca4950 · 70-79, M
Happy birthday

Our life mates change just as we do.

Our vision of our life needs retuning from time to time.

The question is can we as partners in life find a joint vision that works
ScreamingFox · 41-45, F
@Orca4950 I still want those things though, and I don't think they're complicated or unrealistic. I'm a simple person, perhaps I just don't deserve them.
Orca4950 · 70-79, M
@ScreamingFox] you deserve them.

Reassing is good
SageWanderer · 70-79, M
Happy Birthday! Getting ready to leave so will catch up later. May all great things come to you this year. Health, wealth and happiness.
ScreamingFox · 41-45, F
@SageWanderer thank you sweetheart! Happy and safe adventures!
A big Happy Birthday to you. I hope this one brings more happiness your way.
Happy Birthday lovely one!
Happy Birthday!

Life rarely works out the way we plan, so just try to enjoy the ride when you can :)
ScreamingFox · 41-45, F
@GohantheThird thank you
☕ happy birthday
Happy Birthday dear lady.

ScreamingFox · 41-45, F
@OlderSometimesWiser Thank you beautiful soul 🤗

 
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