Perhaps the things I believed I wanted were never real.

A welcoming home with people stopping by to chat and drink coffee/tea. The kind of partner that does thoughtful things and genuinely loves me. To make people smile and laugh. A job that pays a livable wage doing something related to my college major. A community that shared and cared.

I tried very hard for these things. To earn them, to build them, to be them so my care would turn into joy and safety.

I'm starting to wonder if it was a silly fantasy. I never expected perfect, never believed there wouldn't be hardship. But I have accomplished basically nothing. What I built wasn't strong enough. I guess I didn't genuinely earn anything.

These are my waking thoughts...

Another day to get through. Another day of pretending to be something I'm not because I couldn't accomplish my goals and now live a life I don't agree with. Naively believing I deserved a little good.

I feel like a bad person. Maybe I always was, and I was trying not to be. Maybe I had some bad luck. Regardless, I'm losing all hope. I simply want to leave enough behind so my son has a good start.

Forty one years ago I was brought into this world. I used to know what for. I bet my Mom would be so sad I feel this way, I know she wanted a child so badly, I just don't know if she wanted me.